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| Little Known Facts About the United States of America |
| After years of hovering in career limbo, Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty reunited for a stage show at the Bellagio. |
Man, does our country kick ass or what? We are easily the most awesome and best-smelling
country in the Northwestern Hemisphere, and on top of that we can beat the crap out of any
country that isn’t called North Vietnam. So, in honor of Independence Day, the anniversary of
our founding fathers giving birth to the American republic and eating the placenta afterwards
for strength, I’ve compiled a list of little-known facts about the U.S. government. Sure, the 4th
of July might be over, but feel free to use these bits of trivia to shock and awe your friends any
time. I guarantee, they’ll never look at you the same way ever again, especially after you jab
them in the eyes with a sparkler.
William Howard Taft wasn’t fat. He was actually Siamese twins (named William and Howard).
His second head had a brief career as a state senator from Ohio, but unfortunately drowned in
the White House bathtub when William got stuck.
The United States has a bicameral legislature. Only your 8th grade Civics teacher knows what
that means.
As a born-again Christian, George W. Bush isn’t old enough to be president.
Nebraska’s Official State Robot is H.E.R.B.I.E. from the old “Fantastic Four” cartoons.
Tennessee’s Official State Robot is Al Gore.
Rep. Tom DeLay saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico.
The weird-looking eye pyramid on the dollar bill is actually a gang sign. Jamestown Crips
represent!
Wyoming is even more boring than you’d think it would be.
The original Declaration of Independence was written on the back of a Denny’s napkin. If you
look closely, you can see the Moons Over My Hammy stains.
Former Representative James Traficant’s hair scares the shit out of me.
All the incest jokes really hurt West Virginia’s feelings.
Paul Revere wasn’t trying to warn his fellow colonists of the impending British invasion. He
was simply advertising his latest Anglo-centric porn, “The British Are Cumming!”
Walt Whitman was a real douchebag.
The Department of Education reads at an 8th Grade level.
The crack in the Liberty Bell is significantly smaller than the crack in yo momma’s ass, and
occurred when yo momma looked directly at it.
Alexander Hamilton sucked at dueling.
The South probably isn’t going to rise again.
Plymouth Rock is actually a petrified tree trunk. What kind of tree, you ask? Maple.
1 out of 3 Americans is in favor of giving Texas back to Mexico.
Alabama’s Official State Orientation is “Closeted Gay.”
One time in the eighties I dreamed there was a breakfast cereal that had little marshmallow
Statues of Liberty. If you collected eight UPC codes, you could send them in for a ham radio.
Unfortunately, no such cereal exists, and I still don’t have a ham radio.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice waited in line for three weeks to see Star Wars: Episode
III. She dressed up as a Jawa.
Well, that's all the fact-spewing I can handle for one day! I hope you found this article an
informative and fun way to learn about American history!
country in the Northwestern Hemisphere, and on top of that we can beat the crap out of any
country that isn’t called North Vietnam. So, in honor of Independence Day, the anniversary of
our founding fathers giving birth to the American republic and eating the placenta afterwards
for strength, I’ve compiled a list of little-known facts about the U.S. government. Sure, the 4th
of July might be over, but feel free to use these bits of trivia to shock and awe your friends any
time. I guarantee, they’ll never look at you the same way ever again, especially after you jab
them in the eyes with a sparkler.
William Howard Taft wasn’t fat. He was actually Siamese twins (named William and Howard).
His second head had a brief career as a state senator from Ohio, but unfortunately drowned in
the White House bathtub when William got stuck.
The United States has a bicameral legislature. Only your 8th grade Civics teacher knows what
that means.
As a born-again Christian, George W. Bush isn’t old enough to be president.
Nebraska’s Official State Robot is H.E.R.B.I.E. from the old “Fantastic Four” cartoons.
Tennessee’s Official State Robot is Al Gore.
Rep. Tom DeLay saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico.
The weird-looking eye pyramid on the dollar bill is actually a gang sign. Jamestown Crips
represent!
Wyoming is even more boring than you’d think it would be.
The original Declaration of Independence was written on the back of a Denny’s napkin. If you
look closely, you can see the Moons Over My Hammy stains.
Former Representative James Traficant’s hair scares the shit out of me.
All the incest jokes really hurt West Virginia’s feelings.
Paul Revere wasn’t trying to warn his fellow colonists of the impending British invasion. He
was simply advertising his latest Anglo-centric porn, “The British Are Cumming!”
Walt Whitman was a real douchebag.
The Department of Education reads at an 8th Grade level.
The crack in the Liberty Bell is significantly smaller than the crack in yo momma’s ass, and
occurred when yo momma looked directly at it.
Alexander Hamilton sucked at dueling.
The South probably isn’t going to rise again.
Plymouth Rock is actually a petrified tree trunk. What kind of tree, you ask? Maple.
1 out of 3 Americans is in favor of giving Texas back to Mexico.
Alabama’s Official State Orientation is “Closeted Gay.”
One time in the eighties I dreamed there was a breakfast cereal that had little marshmallow
Statues of Liberty. If you collected eight UPC codes, you could send them in for a ham radio.
Unfortunately, no such cereal exists, and I still don’t have a ham radio.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice waited in line for three weeks to see Star Wars: Episode
III. She dressed up as a Jawa.
Well, that's all the fact-spewing I can handle for one day! I hope you found this article an
informative and fun way to learn about American history!
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Feel slightly aroused? Then head back to Salsa
