 |  |  |  |
| Look At Me, I'm an Activist! |
| At the National Anorexia Convention. |
Ever since I started my petition last week, I’ve felt like I’ve finally found my calling in life. I’m not
here just to give people dirty looks on the subway and kick bums in the nuts, I’m here for a
higher purpose. I’ve decided to become a professional activist. For the past few days, I’ve
devoted myself to standing up for Irish rights. But there are so many other worthy causes out
there, and I’m determined to give them all the publicity they so richly deserve. This week’s
social problem: anorexia.
Anorexia is a very serious eating disorder that affects hundreds of Hollywood starlets, models,
and other hot chicks. But those fat cats in Washington, D.C. aren’t doing anything about it.
Well, I’ve got news for all the politicians sitting in their offices going, “La la la la la, I’m a
politician, I’m going to go sit at my desk with my big old political butt, yay politics!” This
problem isn’t going away on its own. It’s high time someone did something. And that someone
is me. And that something is what I’m going to do.
I propose that we all go on hunger strike until an anti-anorexia bill is introduced into Congress.
Now, I know you’re all thinking “Duh, what’s a Congress?” because anyone who reads my
website is probably a re-re. But if you didn’t have an extra chromosome, you’d be thinking,
“But wait, if I go on hunger strike and no one cares, I might starve to death.” And you’d be
right. No one’s going to notice until we fill a few body bags. But once the federal government
finds out that thousands of people starved to death to help end anorexia, they’ll have to do
something about the problem.
Now, some of you might have issues with giving up your lives for the greater good. I know I
do, which is why I’m not going on hunger strike myself. Proper recruiting is essential to any
successful hunger strike. I need a group of hunger-strikers who not only don’t mind dying for
the cause, but actually want to die. That’s why I’ve started Crazy Willy’s Discount Suicide
Hotline.
A little known fact about suicide hotlines: the people who call them are, in most cases, better
off dead. Trying to talk them out of doing themselves in upsets the natural balance of the
universe. Whenever someone calls Crazy Willy’s, they’ll talk to a trained counselor whose job
is to convince them that they’re right to want to die, and they can actually do the world a favor
by starving themselves to death. Then they’ll be provided with the opportunity to join the
hunger strike against anorexia, which they can join as soon as their check clears, or
immediately if they pay by credit card (hey, I’m going to need some cash to hire a bunch of
nutritionists to sit in front of anorexic hotties and go, “Open up, here comes the airplane!”).
The only problem with this plan is that John Q. Eating Disorder isn’t likely to be moved by the
deaths of a bunch of unloved losers. But they’re just there to bump up my numbers. What
every campaign needs is some cute kids. I mean, look what they’ve done for the cancer
people. If someone sees an adult with a shaved head, they’re like, “Whatever, it’s just Bruce
Willis.” But if someone sees a child with a hairless noggin, they’re like, “Ah, the poor thing
must have cancer, here’s a nickel.” If you have kids, do me a favor: stop feeding them.
Chances are they’ll just grow up to disappoint you anyway. If you let them starve to death
young you can always remember them as the angelic little creatures they were who will never
turn into inconsiderate jerks who can’t even call their mother on her birthday.
But wait…what’s better than a few starving children? Millions of starving children, that’s what!
Nothing like an unwashed mass of brats with distended bellies to tug at heartstrings and
loosen wallets. The only problem is, there are a gripload of philanthropic organizations out
there whose sole purpose is to thwart my plan to destroy anorexia once and for all by actually
feeding starving children. That’s right, I’m talking about the Christian Children’s Fund, Unicef,
and all the other do-gooders out there who can’t see the big picture. I’ve come up with several
intricate schemes to siphon off their power, like kidnapping Sally Struthers or infiltrating the U.
S. Postal Service under an assumed name (like maybe Bob Kickass. Wait, that doesn’t sound
very professional. Robert Kickass, yeah, that’s the ticket) and then not delivering their mail.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of my ideas are illegal, and because of that whole three strikes
thing I can’t even carry out the plans that only involve committing misdemeanors. Why is it so
hard to not break the law in this country? I swear, staying out of jail is a full time job. Well, I
quit! See you in 10-15!
here just to give people dirty looks on the subway and kick bums in the nuts, I’m here for a
higher purpose. I’ve decided to become a professional activist. For the past few days, I’ve
devoted myself to standing up for Irish rights. But there are so many other worthy causes out
there, and I’m determined to give them all the publicity they so richly deserve. This week’s
social problem: anorexia.
Anorexia is a very serious eating disorder that affects hundreds of Hollywood starlets, models,
and other hot chicks. But those fat cats in Washington, D.C. aren’t doing anything about it.
Well, I’ve got news for all the politicians sitting in their offices going, “La la la la la, I’m a
politician, I’m going to go sit at my desk with my big old political butt, yay politics!” This
problem isn’t going away on its own. It’s high time someone did something. And that someone
is me. And that something is what I’m going to do.
I propose that we all go on hunger strike until an anti-anorexia bill is introduced into Congress.
Now, I know you’re all thinking “Duh, what’s a Congress?” because anyone who reads my
website is probably a re-re. But if you didn’t have an extra chromosome, you’d be thinking,
“But wait, if I go on hunger strike and no one cares, I might starve to death.” And you’d be
right. No one’s going to notice until we fill a few body bags. But once the federal government
finds out that thousands of people starved to death to help end anorexia, they’ll have to do
something about the problem.
Now, some of you might have issues with giving up your lives for the greater good. I know I
do, which is why I’m not going on hunger strike myself. Proper recruiting is essential to any
successful hunger strike. I need a group of hunger-strikers who not only don’t mind dying for
the cause, but actually want to die. That’s why I’ve started Crazy Willy’s Discount Suicide
Hotline.
A little known fact about suicide hotlines: the people who call them are, in most cases, better
off dead. Trying to talk them out of doing themselves in upsets the natural balance of the
universe. Whenever someone calls Crazy Willy’s, they’ll talk to a trained counselor whose job
is to convince them that they’re right to want to die, and they can actually do the world a favor
by starving themselves to death. Then they’ll be provided with the opportunity to join the
hunger strike against anorexia, which they can join as soon as their check clears, or
immediately if they pay by credit card (hey, I’m going to need some cash to hire a bunch of
nutritionists to sit in front of anorexic hotties and go, “Open up, here comes the airplane!”).
The only problem with this plan is that John Q. Eating Disorder isn’t likely to be moved by the
deaths of a bunch of unloved losers. But they’re just there to bump up my numbers. What
every campaign needs is some cute kids. I mean, look what they’ve done for the cancer
people. If someone sees an adult with a shaved head, they’re like, “Whatever, it’s just Bruce
Willis.” But if someone sees a child with a hairless noggin, they’re like, “Ah, the poor thing
must have cancer, here’s a nickel.” If you have kids, do me a favor: stop feeding them.
Chances are they’ll just grow up to disappoint you anyway. If you let them starve to death
young you can always remember them as the angelic little creatures they were who will never
turn into inconsiderate jerks who can’t even call their mother on her birthday.
But wait…what’s better than a few starving children? Millions of starving children, that’s what!
Nothing like an unwashed mass of brats with distended bellies to tug at heartstrings and
loosen wallets. The only problem is, there are a gripload of philanthropic organizations out
there whose sole purpose is to thwart my plan to destroy anorexia once and for all by actually
feeding starving children. That’s right, I’m talking about the Christian Children’s Fund, Unicef,
and all the other do-gooders out there who can’t see the big picture. I’ve come up with several
intricate schemes to siphon off their power, like kidnapping Sally Struthers or infiltrating the U.
S. Postal Service under an assumed name (like maybe Bob Kickass. Wait, that doesn’t sound
very professional. Robert Kickass, yeah, that’s the ticket) and then not delivering their mail.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of my ideas are illegal, and because of that whole three strikes
thing I can’t even carry out the plans that only involve committing misdemeanors. Why is it so
hard to not break the law in this country? I swear, staying out of jail is a full time job. Well, I
quit! See you in 10-15!
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
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