 |  |  |  |
| Can't Stop the Bum Rush |
| Well, At Least He's Not Going To Go Spend It On Smack |
San Diego is a beautiful city, but all the pictures you see leave out one very
important detail: the whole place reeks of piss. The second you step out of a building
or car and onto the street, the stench of urine pries open your nostrils and blackens
your nose hairs on the way to your brain. This is due to the large number of bums in
San Diego. San Diego has to have more bums per capita than your local Shoney’s
parking lot. They are all over the place. When I’m walking around at night, I keep
feeling like I’m in a zombie movie or something, because everywhere I turn there are
foul-smelling humanoids wearing tattered clothes and shuffling around aimlessly.
Because I see so many bums on a daily basis, I’ve been thinking about the homeless
problem in America quite a bit lately. After minutes of wracking my brain, I came up
with two solutions. I truly believe that, with the proper resources, I could end
homelessness.
My first idea was to devote an entire state to the homeless. I pictured shining new
highway signs along the Mason-Dixon line proudly proclaiming, ”Welcome to
Bumslyvania – The Smell Me State!” But then I remembered I’ve yet to have an
authentic Philly cheesesteak, so I came up with another idea. A better idea. An idea
so good if ideas were liquor, I’d be dead of alcohol poisoning. And strangely enough,
this solution will also solve world hunger and our garbage problem. I think I know who’
s winning the Nobel Prize this year!
Now, before you jump to any conclusions, my idea is NOT to grind our nation’s
homeless into sausages and feed them to starving children in third world countries.
That would be wrong (snicker). Tasty, but wrong. No, I began to think about the root
causes of homelessness. If we can find out where homelessness comes from, we
can put a stop to it, right?
Well, I haven’t quite figured out where homelessness comes from. But I have figured
out that the existing homeless in America would all grow weak and die without their
main source of sustenance: dumpsters. Remove the dumpster and remove the
homeless. If we ship the dumpsters to third world countries, we can feed the children
there and solve the problem of where to put our trash at the same time.
Now, the only thing left to do is figure out how to get rid of all the starving bums that
will be flopping around like dying fish on our sidewalks. It’s easy. Somebody’s going
to have to teach the kids in Bangladesh how to dumpster-dive, so we might as well
outsource our bums to other countries as instructors. In one fell swoop, the majority
of our nation’s social ills will be resolved, and I’ll be able to walk to the gym without
stepping on used syringes (if you’re going to shoot up, at least have the decency to
leave your needle in the gutter and not on the goddamned sidewalk). I’ll even be able
to watch Little House on the Prairie re-runs on TBS without being interrupted by Sally
Struthers making desperate pleas to “save the children.” Obviously that bitch doesn’t
really want to save the children, otherwise she’d have come up with an awesome plan
like this years ago. Hear that, underprivileged children of the world? Sally Struthers
is your enemy!
What would you call a nation without homeless people, garbage, or save the children
guilt-mercials? I’d call it Utopia. Or possibly the United States of Kick Ass. Then
Bruce Springsteen can change the lyrics of his song to “Born in the U.S.K.A.” I think it’
s a good idea, because then we’d have just as many letters in our initials as the U.S.S.
R. used to have. Granted, I’m not really sure why that’s important, but I do know
what is important: shipping all of our trash and bums to Cambodia. It’s really our best
option, at least until the government starts making Soylent Green out of people.
Mmm, people…
important detail: the whole place reeks of piss. The second you step out of a building
or car and onto the street, the stench of urine pries open your nostrils and blackens
your nose hairs on the way to your brain. This is due to the large number of bums in
San Diego. San Diego has to have more bums per capita than your local Shoney’s
parking lot. They are all over the place. When I’m walking around at night, I keep
feeling like I’m in a zombie movie or something, because everywhere I turn there are
foul-smelling humanoids wearing tattered clothes and shuffling around aimlessly.
Because I see so many bums on a daily basis, I’ve been thinking about the homeless
problem in America quite a bit lately. After minutes of wracking my brain, I came up
with two solutions. I truly believe that, with the proper resources, I could end
homelessness.
My first idea was to devote an entire state to the homeless. I pictured shining new
highway signs along the Mason-Dixon line proudly proclaiming, ”Welcome to
Bumslyvania – The Smell Me State!” But then I remembered I’ve yet to have an
authentic Philly cheesesteak, so I came up with another idea. A better idea. An idea
so good if ideas were liquor, I’d be dead of alcohol poisoning. And strangely enough,
this solution will also solve world hunger and our garbage problem. I think I know who’
s winning the Nobel Prize this year!
Now, before you jump to any conclusions, my idea is NOT to grind our nation’s
homeless into sausages and feed them to starving children in third world countries.
That would be wrong (snicker). Tasty, but wrong. No, I began to think about the root
causes of homelessness. If we can find out where homelessness comes from, we
can put a stop to it, right?
Well, I haven’t quite figured out where homelessness comes from. But I have figured
out that the existing homeless in America would all grow weak and die without their
main source of sustenance: dumpsters. Remove the dumpster and remove the
homeless. If we ship the dumpsters to third world countries, we can feed the children
there and solve the problem of where to put our trash at the same time.
Now, the only thing left to do is figure out how to get rid of all the starving bums that
will be flopping around like dying fish on our sidewalks. It’s easy. Somebody’s going
to have to teach the kids in Bangladesh how to dumpster-dive, so we might as well
outsource our bums to other countries as instructors. In one fell swoop, the majority
of our nation’s social ills will be resolved, and I’ll be able to walk to the gym without
stepping on used syringes (if you’re going to shoot up, at least have the decency to
leave your needle in the gutter and not on the goddamned sidewalk). I’ll even be able
to watch Little House on the Prairie re-runs on TBS without being interrupted by Sally
Struthers making desperate pleas to “save the children.” Obviously that bitch doesn’t
really want to save the children, otherwise she’d have come up with an awesome plan
like this years ago. Hear that, underprivileged children of the world? Sally Struthers
is your enemy!
What would you call a nation without homeless people, garbage, or save the children
guilt-mercials? I’d call it Utopia. Or possibly the United States of Kick Ass. Then
Bruce Springsteen can change the lyrics of his song to “Born in the U.S.K.A.” I think it’
s a good idea, because then we’d have just as many letters in our initials as the U.S.S.
R. used to have. Granted, I’m not really sure why that’s important, but I do know
what is important: shipping all of our trash and bums to Cambodia. It’s really our best
option, at least until the government starts making Soylent Green out of people.
Mmm, people…
Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Or, just head back to Salsa
Or, just head back to Salsa