 |  |  |  |
| Let's All Go Back To Living In Caves |
| I Swear, This Bitch Is Making Me A Caveman |
Okay, we seriously need to hit the reset button on society. I am not joking. All of us should
abandon our homes, jobs, and all that other crap and go back to living in caves and speaking
in grunts. Our society is seriously fucked beyond repair. Why, you ask? Because I just read
that they’re making a movie about Jennifer Wilbanks, a.k.a. the “Runaway Bride, ” that’s why.
I thought “Married By America” crapped on one of society’s most sacred institutions pretty
thoroughly, but this takes marriage and even moreso life itself to new lows. Someone fakes
her own kidnapping, drives friends, family and fiancé insane with worry, prompts a manhunt,
and ultimately makes Mexicans look bad (C’mon, Jenny, you trying to put George Lopez out of
work or what?) with her false claims. And now, she’s being rewarded with a movie deal? This
does not compute. If anything, she should be punished for screwing over her family and
wasting thousands of taxpayer dollars. I think turning her into a tree at the cellular level and
then feeding her to a pack of rabid/horny beavers would be an appropriate punishment. Either
that or a public spanking, where everybody in America gets to line up and swat her on the ass.
With nuclear weapons.
What further disgusts me is, Wilbanks isn’t the only sorry excuse for a subhuman involved in
the whole affair. I think her fiancé, who in numerous interviews has made me wonder how he
remembers to keep breathing, needs to be deported. Where, I don’t know, I just want him out
of my country. Let Bangladesh deal with him. But even his sins are minor compared to the
real Ming the Merciless of this tale: heinous bitch and perennial wig-wearer Judith Regan.
Judith Regan is the president of ReganMedia, the “company” who inked the movie deal with
Wilbanks. She justified her part in the most unholy business arrangement since Homer
Simpson sold his soul for a donut by saying, “[Wilbanks and Mason’s story] is an unexpected
and compelling story of love and forgiveness that has certainly taught me a thing or two."
What the hell could this despicable affair teach anyone? How to do a shitty job of making stuff
up? If you are not vomiting or attempting to crush your head between your palms after reading
that last quote, please cut the brake lines on your car and head out to your local Piggly
Wiggly. It really makes me wonder what’s next on ReganMedia’s production schedule: “You’re
A Good Man, Jeffrey Dahmer?” A remake of “Weekend at Bernies” starring Natalie Holloway
and those three Aruban guys? A bittersweet comedy with Robin Williams?
Our society has deified celebrities for so long that we don’t have any celebrities left. So now
we have to celebrify people with no discernible talent or even any redeeming qualities. In what
universe can someone with nothing more than a Boston accent and a contempt for his fellow
human beings become a star? Not in the one I grew up in. Sometimes I get the feeling that
around my thirteenth birthday I fell into some weird, pocket reality where up is down, black is
white and people give a shit who Trista is. It’s bad enough when someone who humiliated
themselves on a reality show attains celebrity status, but why would anyone do the same for a
criminal like Jennifer Wilbanks? We all know the story, what new information could we
possibly glean from a film version? I, for one, have no desire to find out what was going
through her head. I already know: “Omigod omigod I’m getting married holy crap my eyes are
huge I can’t get married like this omigod!” End of story.
Unfortunately, our society is so far gone no amount of rhetorical questions can get it back on
track. I mean, people actually take the names of celebrity couples and smoosh them together
into one Island of Dr. Moreau-like entity (ex. Bennifer, TomKat, Ramber). Two non-
personalities combined does not a personality make, people. That’s why I’m moving out of my
house and into a cave. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hunting and gathering.
abandon our homes, jobs, and all that other crap and go back to living in caves and speaking
in grunts. Our society is seriously fucked beyond repair. Why, you ask? Because I just read
that they’re making a movie about Jennifer Wilbanks, a.k.a. the “Runaway Bride, ” that’s why.
I thought “Married By America” crapped on one of society’s most sacred institutions pretty
thoroughly, but this takes marriage and even moreso life itself to new lows. Someone fakes
her own kidnapping, drives friends, family and fiancé insane with worry, prompts a manhunt,
and ultimately makes Mexicans look bad (C’mon, Jenny, you trying to put George Lopez out of
work or what?) with her false claims. And now, she’s being rewarded with a movie deal? This
does not compute. If anything, she should be punished for screwing over her family and
wasting thousands of taxpayer dollars. I think turning her into a tree at the cellular level and
then feeding her to a pack of rabid/horny beavers would be an appropriate punishment. Either
that or a public spanking, where everybody in America gets to line up and swat her on the ass.
With nuclear weapons.
What further disgusts me is, Wilbanks isn’t the only sorry excuse for a subhuman involved in
the whole affair. I think her fiancé, who in numerous interviews has made me wonder how he
remembers to keep breathing, needs to be deported. Where, I don’t know, I just want him out
of my country. Let Bangladesh deal with him. But even his sins are minor compared to the
real Ming the Merciless of this tale: heinous bitch and perennial wig-wearer Judith Regan.
Judith Regan is the president of ReganMedia, the “company” who inked the movie deal with
Wilbanks. She justified her part in the most unholy business arrangement since Homer
Simpson sold his soul for a donut by saying, “[Wilbanks and Mason’s story] is an unexpected
and compelling story of love and forgiveness that has certainly taught me a thing or two."
What the hell could this despicable affair teach anyone? How to do a shitty job of making stuff
up? If you are not vomiting or attempting to crush your head between your palms after reading
that last quote, please cut the brake lines on your car and head out to your local Piggly
Wiggly. It really makes me wonder what’s next on ReganMedia’s production schedule: “You’re
A Good Man, Jeffrey Dahmer?” A remake of “Weekend at Bernies” starring Natalie Holloway
and those three Aruban guys? A bittersweet comedy with Robin Williams?
Our society has deified celebrities for so long that we don’t have any celebrities left. So now
we have to celebrify people with no discernible talent or even any redeeming qualities. In what
universe can someone with nothing more than a Boston accent and a contempt for his fellow
human beings become a star? Not in the one I grew up in. Sometimes I get the feeling that
around my thirteenth birthday I fell into some weird, pocket reality where up is down, black is
white and people give a shit who Trista is. It’s bad enough when someone who humiliated
themselves on a reality show attains celebrity status, but why would anyone do the same for a
criminal like Jennifer Wilbanks? We all know the story, what new information could we
possibly glean from a film version? I, for one, have no desire to find out what was going
through her head. I already know: “Omigod omigod I’m getting married holy crap my eyes are
huge I can’t get married like this omigod!” End of story.
Unfortunately, our society is so far gone no amount of rhetorical questions can get it back on
track. I mean, people actually take the names of celebrity couples and smoosh them together
into one Island of Dr. Moreau-like entity (ex. Bennifer, TomKat, Ramber). Two non-
personalities combined does not a personality make, people. That’s why I’m moving out of my
house and into a cave. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hunting and gathering.
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Feel slightly aroused? Then head back to Salsa