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| If You Don't Un-Pop That Collar, I'll Do It For You |
And the award for stupidest trend of the year goes to (drumroll please)…the phenomenon
known as “popping the collar.” It looks idiotic, and to make matters worse it has absolutely no
real purpose. At least trucker hats covered up the bad haircut you inevitably had if you thought
buying one was a good idea, but a popped collar does nothing except make me want to put my
thumb in your eye.
Popping your collar is, in essence, wearing your shirt wrong. The only circumstance under
which wearing a piece of clothing wrong is okay is a backward hat. Anybody remember the
last time dressing incorrectly was cool? It was back in the early ‘90s, when two young kids out
of Atlanta started wearing their pants backwards. It wasn’t long, though, before people
realized it wasn’t cool to be “totally krossed out.” I thought, as a nation, we’d moved on, a little
bit older and a little bit wiser. Turns out, I was wrong.
What’s so fashionable about looking disheveled, anyway? Homeless people look disheveled
and no one invites them to keggers. Sure, there is the whole B.O. thing, but I can guarantee it’
s no worse than a frat-house basement full of sweaty, beer-drenched dumbasses with popped
collars. Plus, any homeless dude off the street can easily out-drink the average college
student. You can keep Johnny Polo-Shirt over there, I’ll take good old Grimy Joe and you can
bet your ass we’ll kick yours in a chug-off.
Actually, I think there are a lot of similarities between college students and homeless people,
even beyond the drinking and attention to personal hygiene. Homeless people and college
students both tend to eat whatever they can get their hands on, whether it’s intended for
human consumption or not. I remember back in college, on a dare, I poured beer on a bowl of
dog food and ate it like cereal. And yes, I ate the whole thing. I’ve even known some
homeless college students who’ve couch-surfed their way through entire semesters.
Considering all the similarities, and since most college students are going to wind up homeless
anyway (great economy we’ve got nowadays), I am proposing a new program. Much like the
existing Big Brother and Big Sister programs, I’m going to get homeless people to mentor to
college students. They can teach the younger generation important skills like panhandling,
scavenging for food, unintelligible ranting, and how to clean windshields with nothing but a
dirty rag. In return, the homeless people can live vicariously through the college students,
happily revisiting the days when they ate garbage and rarely washed themselves because they
wanted to, not because they got kicked out of the YMCA for taking a dump in the swimming
pool. This is the mother of all win-win situations.
Actually, I’m going to take the whole thing a step (okay, four or five steps) further: I’m going to
march down the campus walks of every college in America and replace any collar-poppers with
homeless people. That’s right, un-pop that collar right now, before you end up living in a
cardboard box while Toothless Rufus bullshits his way through Art History. Incidentally, Art
History sucks. I’m not saying that because I have any real grudge against art or history or
even art history; I’m just saying that because the only Art History major I’ve ever known was a
big bag of suck.
Actually, I take that back. The one I’m thinking of was getting her master’s (in other words,
spending thousands of dollars to be able to enter the lucrative profession of museum tour
guide). I actually did know a few chicks that got their undergraduate degrees in art history,
and they were okay other than the VD (one confirmed, several suspected).
But the fact of the matter is, even getting a master’s degree in Art History isn’t as dumb as
collar-popping. Consider this: back in 2000, MC Hammer released a single called “Pop Your
Collar.” Any arguments in favor of this idiotic fad are hereby nullified. Now shut the hell up.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
known as “popping the collar.” It looks idiotic, and to make matters worse it has absolutely no
real purpose. At least trucker hats covered up the bad haircut you inevitably had if you thought
buying one was a good idea, but a popped collar does nothing except make me want to put my
thumb in your eye.
Popping your collar is, in essence, wearing your shirt wrong. The only circumstance under
which wearing a piece of clothing wrong is okay is a backward hat. Anybody remember the
last time dressing incorrectly was cool? It was back in the early ‘90s, when two young kids out
of Atlanta started wearing their pants backwards. It wasn’t long, though, before people
realized it wasn’t cool to be “totally krossed out.” I thought, as a nation, we’d moved on, a little
bit older and a little bit wiser. Turns out, I was wrong.
What’s so fashionable about looking disheveled, anyway? Homeless people look disheveled
and no one invites them to keggers. Sure, there is the whole B.O. thing, but I can guarantee it’
s no worse than a frat-house basement full of sweaty, beer-drenched dumbasses with popped
collars. Plus, any homeless dude off the street can easily out-drink the average college
student. You can keep Johnny Polo-Shirt over there, I’ll take good old Grimy Joe and you can
bet your ass we’ll kick yours in a chug-off.
Actually, I think there are a lot of similarities between college students and homeless people,
even beyond the drinking and attention to personal hygiene. Homeless people and college
students both tend to eat whatever they can get their hands on, whether it’s intended for
human consumption or not. I remember back in college, on a dare, I poured beer on a bowl of
dog food and ate it like cereal. And yes, I ate the whole thing. I’ve even known some
homeless college students who’ve couch-surfed their way through entire semesters.
Considering all the similarities, and since most college students are going to wind up homeless
anyway (great economy we’ve got nowadays), I am proposing a new program. Much like the
existing Big Brother and Big Sister programs, I’m going to get homeless people to mentor to
college students. They can teach the younger generation important skills like panhandling,
scavenging for food, unintelligible ranting, and how to clean windshields with nothing but a
dirty rag. In return, the homeless people can live vicariously through the college students,
happily revisiting the days when they ate garbage and rarely washed themselves because they
wanted to, not because they got kicked out of the YMCA for taking a dump in the swimming
pool. This is the mother of all win-win situations.
Actually, I’m going to take the whole thing a step (okay, four or five steps) further: I’m going to
march down the campus walks of every college in America and replace any collar-poppers with
homeless people. That’s right, un-pop that collar right now, before you end up living in a
cardboard box while Toothless Rufus bullshits his way through Art History. Incidentally, Art
History sucks. I’m not saying that because I have any real grudge against art or history or
even art history; I’m just saying that because the only Art History major I’ve ever known was a
big bag of suck.
Actually, I take that back. The one I’m thinking of was getting her master’s (in other words,
spending thousands of dollars to be able to enter the lucrative profession of museum tour
guide). I actually did know a few chicks that got their undergraduate degrees in art history,
and they were okay other than the VD (one confirmed, several suspected).
But the fact of the matter is, even getting a master’s degree in Art History isn’t as dumb as
collar-popping. Consider this: back in 2000, MC Hammer released a single called “Pop Your
Collar.” Any arguments in favor of this idiotic fad are hereby nullified. Now shut the hell up.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
| Friends don't let friends look stupid. |