 |  |  |  |
| How to Write for CollegeHumor.com |
What would you say if I told you there’s a job where you can drink all day, goof off
with your friends and urinate anywhere you damn well please? You’d probably say,
“Do they drug test?” And then I’d say, “No, they don’t drug test.” And then you’d say,
“Well, where do I send my resume?” And then I’d say, “Dude, you got any crank?”
And then you’d say, “Naw, but I got this bottle of Robitussin from the clinic. Five
bucks.” And then I’d want to say, “Why should I give you five bucks? I can buy that
shit in the store for a buck ninety-nine” but I wouldn’t be able to because I’d be too
busy handing you a fiver and desperately chugging the ‘Tussin. Sobriety hurts.
If you can write an opening paragraph like that or use the toilet like a big boy, then
you’re more than qualified to write for CollegeHumor.com. Why get a real job when
you can get paid to write silly stuff on the Internet all day long? Only problem is,
freelance writing can be a hard field to break into if you don’t have any explosives.
But don’t worry: here are some tips to help you get published and start making that
sharp, sharp cheddar (disclaimer: CA, NM, and TX residents will receive queso).
1. You need to have a cool and offbeat name, like “Streeter.” If you don’t have
a cool name, don’t worry, just do what you used to do back in ninth grade before your
teachers finally put you in that remedial writing class: misspell your name. For
example, if your name is something lame like “Neil,” spell it “Neel.” Remember,
strategically altering your god-given name isn’t just for slutty girls who call themselves
“Kelli” and “Megyn” when their mouths aren’t full of dick. Dumbasses like you can do
it, too!
2. Makes lots of ‘80s references. Your target audience grew up in that ‘80s,
jabbering on about G.I. Joe, Voltron, and My Little Pony makes you seem smart,
sophisticated, and most importantly, ironic (luckily, no one in said audience has any
clue what the word ironic actually means thanks to Alanis Morrisette). Also, uncool
people (anyone over thirty or under twenty) won’t understand your jokes, so you’ll be
doing your part to safeguard online humor from those who have no business “getting
it.”
3. For those of you familiar with the canceled show Last Comic Standing, you
need to be to writing what Gary Gulman is to stand-up comedy. Gary’s schtick was
making elementary observations about things like elementary school gym class. His
jokes weren’t by any means funny, but they were clever enough and he was earnest
enough that you got guilt-tripped into laughing. Do the same thing Gary does, but on
the collegiate level. Appropriate topics: not going to class, not doing your laundry, not
calling your parents, and not wearing shower shoes (and, of course, the hilarious
results of your negligence!). Anyone still in college will like your article because it
talks about things they avoid doing on a daily basis, and all the people out of college
will be stricken with nostalgia and e-mail your article to all their friends so they can all
re-live their glory days for a few minutes.
4. And by that same token, talk about “hooking up.” A lot. All college students
are either promiscuous or jealous of their promiscuous friends so they’ll identify with
your lack of morals. Bonus points if you can work in a joke about STDs. Triple word
score if you can find a way to compare chlamydia and the Smurfs, especially without
making the obvious Smurfette joke.
5. Rule number four goes double if you’re a girl. Most college age guys wouldn’t
be caught dead laughing at “chick humor.” So, in order to attract male interest in your
work and succeed as a freelance writer, you need to make yourself sound as slutty
as possible. Sure, it’s kind of like prostitution, but at least you don’t have to clean
anyone else’s bodily fluids out of you afterwards, right?
6. Keep things short because most college students don’t have the attention span
to read more than forty or fifty words at a time, even if they’re about getting blown
while watching Optimus Prime pop open a can of whup ass on the Decepticons.
Always remember: no matter how awesome your writing is, it's still writing, and
therefore has to be read. No self-respecting college student wants to devote more
than a minute or two of his precious drinking time to reading.
7. When making lists, never have five or ten items because that’s been so done.
Shoot for six, eleven, etc. Avoid the number nine at all costs. Have two number
eights if you have to and try to stop by seventeen at the most. Our better yet, don’t
number your lists at all and make those chumps count for themselves. Boo-yah!
And on that odd-numbered note, I’m off to go urinate on my jerky neighbor’s azaleas.
That’s what he gets for working in an office!
with your friends and urinate anywhere you damn well please? You’d probably say,
“Do they drug test?” And then I’d say, “No, they don’t drug test.” And then you’d say,
“Well, where do I send my resume?” And then I’d say, “Dude, you got any crank?”
And then you’d say, “Naw, but I got this bottle of Robitussin from the clinic. Five
bucks.” And then I’d want to say, “Why should I give you five bucks? I can buy that
shit in the store for a buck ninety-nine” but I wouldn’t be able to because I’d be too
busy handing you a fiver and desperately chugging the ‘Tussin. Sobriety hurts.
If you can write an opening paragraph like that or use the toilet like a big boy, then
you’re more than qualified to write for CollegeHumor.com. Why get a real job when
you can get paid to write silly stuff on the Internet all day long? Only problem is,
freelance writing can be a hard field to break into if you don’t have any explosives.
But don’t worry: here are some tips to help you get published and start making that
sharp, sharp cheddar (disclaimer: CA, NM, and TX residents will receive queso).
1. You need to have a cool and offbeat name, like “Streeter.” If you don’t have
a cool name, don’t worry, just do what you used to do back in ninth grade before your
teachers finally put you in that remedial writing class: misspell your name. For
example, if your name is something lame like “Neil,” spell it “Neel.” Remember,
strategically altering your god-given name isn’t just for slutty girls who call themselves
“Kelli” and “Megyn” when their mouths aren’t full of dick. Dumbasses like you can do
it, too!
2. Makes lots of ‘80s references. Your target audience grew up in that ‘80s,
jabbering on about G.I. Joe, Voltron, and My Little Pony makes you seem smart,
sophisticated, and most importantly, ironic (luckily, no one in said audience has any
clue what the word ironic actually means thanks to Alanis Morrisette). Also, uncool
people (anyone over thirty or under twenty) won’t understand your jokes, so you’ll be
doing your part to safeguard online humor from those who have no business “getting
it.”
3. For those of you familiar with the canceled show Last Comic Standing, you
need to be to writing what Gary Gulman is to stand-up comedy. Gary’s schtick was
making elementary observations about things like elementary school gym class. His
jokes weren’t by any means funny, but they were clever enough and he was earnest
enough that you got guilt-tripped into laughing. Do the same thing Gary does, but on
the collegiate level. Appropriate topics: not going to class, not doing your laundry, not
calling your parents, and not wearing shower shoes (and, of course, the hilarious
results of your negligence!). Anyone still in college will like your article because it
talks about things they avoid doing on a daily basis, and all the people out of college
will be stricken with nostalgia and e-mail your article to all their friends so they can all
re-live their glory days for a few minutes.
4. And by that same token, talk about “hooking up.” A lot. All college students
are either promiscuous or jealous of their promiscuous friends so they’ll identify with
your lack of morals. Bonus points if you can work in a joke about STDs. Triple word
score if you can find a way to compare chlamydia and the Smurfs, especially without
making the obvious Smurfette joke.
5. Rule number four goes double if you’re a girl. Most college age guys wouldn’t
be caught dead laughing at “chick humor.” So, in order to attract male interest in your
work and succeed as a freelance writer, you need to make yourself sound as slutty
as possible. Sure, it’s kind of like prostitution, but at least you don’t have to clean
anyone else’s bodily fluids out of you afterwards, right?
6. Keep things short because most college students don’t have the attention span
to read more than forty or fifty words at a time, even if they’re about getting blown
while watching Optimus Prime pop open a can of whup ass on the Decepticons.
Always remember: no matter how awesome your writing is, it's still writing, and
therefore has to be read. No self-respecting college student wants to devote more
than a minute or two of his precious drinking time to reading.
7. When making lists, never have five or ten items because that’s been so done.
Shoot for six, eleven, etc. Avoid the number nine at all costs. Have two number
eights if you have to and try to stop by seventeen at the most. Our better yet, don’t
number your lists at all and make those chumps count for themselves. Boo-yah!
And on that odd-numbered note, I’m off to go urinate on my jerky neighbor’s azaleas.
That’s what he gets for working in an office!
Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Or, just head back to Salsa
Or, just head back to Salsa
