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| Proper Methods For Child Disposal |
| Throw Away Your Kids, Not Your Dreams! |
Now, don’t get me wrong, kids definitely have their uses. After all, the front yard isn’t
going to mow itself. And they can make some pretty authentic designer handbags if
you beat them hard enough. But eventually, most kids wear out their welcome. All
the late night crying, diaper changes, astronomical college tuitions and plastic surgery
to fix the ugly genes your busted ass passed on to them gets old after awhile. You
want to get rid of them, but how? Like batteries and motor oil, you can’t just throw
them out. They have to be properly disposed of. Here are some ways that you can
get rid of your kids and no one will be the wiser.
Move to Florida. The Sunshine State seems to have the highest number of relapsing
sex offenders in the nation. Just check the Megan’s Law registry and find a house
near a paroled sex offender. Be sure to parade your two-legged burden back and
forth in front of his house wearing a really skimpy outfit. Before you know it, poof, the
kid’s being buried alive. And if the sex offenders don’t get them, the sharks will. Just
switch their usual suntan lotion with fish guts, and squibblydoo, chum city!
Make them join the Boy Scouts. Be sure to teach them that all strangers are bad,
especially the ones wearing jackets that say “Search and Rescue“, and if they ever
get lost, all they need to do is jump in a stream and not come up for air.
Sell them on Ebay. If GoldenPalace.com will buy a grilled cheese with a Virgin Mary
greasespot, they’ll probably buy your unwanted offspring.
Another great use for Ebay: finding old, recalled, injury-causing toys. Or if you want
something more contemporary, check out these gift ideas.
Tell them there’s an Xbox waiting for them in the trunk of the car. Works best on
really hot days.
Frame them for a crime they didn’t commit. Somebody’s going down for that Natalee
Holloway thing and it might as well be Junior. Think about it, setting your kids up for
the fall is wicked easy: you have access to their DNA, hair, fingerprints, and most of
the time will be their only alibi. Can you say slam-fucking-dunk? I thought you could!
Now say “Harry Nuts.” That’s what I’m naming my kid before I have his punk ass sent
off to prison.
Dress them up as a suicide bomber for Halloween and tell them to go trick-or-treat at
the White House.
Tell them wearing seat belts makes you gay. As does driving slowly and obeying
traffic signs.
Become a Christian Scientist. If your kids get really sick, you don’t have to do shit!
You can just stand there and watch them die. As much as people knock religion, it
can be really useful sometimes.
Throw out their clothes (which were probably pretty lame anyway, since you picked
them out) and replace them with a whole grip of red shirts. Hey, it worked on Star
Trek!
Get the state to declare you an unfit parent. Then they’ll just come and take your kids
off your hands for free. The best way to do this is by drinking heavily, so get thee to
a bar, liquor store or mouthwash factory! Before you know it, you’ll have a liver the
size of a football and no three foot tall buzz kill asking you for food.
Well, there you go, a bunch of sure-fire ways to get rid of your kids. Sure, it might
seem cruel and heartless at first, but once you actually send the little money vortexes
packing, you’ll find you have a lot more time for the important things in life. Like doin’
it. Until next time, keep fucking, America!
going to mow itself. And they can make some pretty authentic designer handbags if
you beat them hard enough. But eventually, most kids wear out their welcome. All
the late night crying, diaper changes, astronomical college tuitions and plastic surgery
to fix the ugly genes your busted ass passed on to them gets old after awhile. You
want to get rid of them, but how? Like batteries and motor oil, you can’t just throw
them out. They have to be properly disposed of. Here are some ways that you can
get rid of your kids and no one will be the wiser.
Move to Florida. The Sunshine State seems to have the highest number of relapsing
sex offenders in the nation. Just check the Megan’s Law registry and find a house
near a paroled sex offender. Be sure to parade your two-legged burden back and
forth in front of his house wearing a really skimpy outfit. Before you know it, poof, the
kid’s being buried alive. And if the sex offenders don’t get them, the sharks will. Just
switch their usual suntan lotion with fish guts, and squibblydoo, chum city!
Make them join the Boy Scouts. Be sure to teach them that all strangers are bad,
especially the ones wearing jackets that say “Search and Rescue“, and if they ever
get lost, all they need to do is jump in a stream and not come up for air.
Sell them on Ebay. If GoldenPalace.com will buy a grilled cheese with a Virgin Mary
greasespot, they’ll probably buy your unwanted offspring.
Another great use for Ebay: finding old, recalled, injury-causing toys. Or if you want
something more contemporary, check out these gift ideas.
Tell them there’s an Xbox waiting for them in the trunk of the car. Works best on
really hot days.
Frame them for a crime they didn’t commit. Somebody’s going down for that Natalee
Holloway thing and it might as well be Junior. Think about it, setting your kids up for
the fall is wicked easy: you have access to their DNA, hair, fingerprints, and most of
the time will be their only alibi. Can you say slam-fucking-dunk? I thought you could!
Now say “Harry Nuts.” That’s what I’m naming my kid before I have his punk ass sent
off to prison.
Dress them up as a suicide bomber for Halloween and tell them to go trick-or-treat at
the White House.
Tell them wearing seat belts makes you gay. As does driving slowly and obeying
traffic signs.
Become a Christian Scientist. If your kids get really sick, you don’t have to do shit!
You can just stand there and watch them die. As much as people knock religion, it
can be really useful sometimes.
Throw out their clothes (which were probably pretty lame anyway, since you picked
them out) and replace them with a whole grip of red shirts. Hey, it worked on Star
Trek!
Get the state to declare you an unfit parent. Then they’ll just come and take your kids
off your hands for free. The best way to do this is by drinking heavily, so get thee to
a bar, liquor store or mouthwash factory! Before you know it, you’ll have a liver the
size of a football and no three foot tall buzz kill asking you for food.
Well, there you go, a bunch of sure-fire ways to get rid of your kids. Sure, it might
seem cruel and heartless at first, but once you actually send the little money vortexes
packing, you’ll find you have a lot more time for the important things in life. Like doin’
it. Until next time, keep fucking, America!
Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Or, just head back to Salsa
Or, just head back to Salsa