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| Tomorrow's Stupidity, Today! |
| Breakin' the law, breakin' the law. |
Kids are doing everything at a younger age nowadays, whether it’s using cell
phones and credit cards, murdering their peers, or attempting to enact frivolous laws
that take away personal freedoms. According to the Washington Post, 11-year old
Pennsylvanian dipshit Marc McCann is trying to get a law passed that will make it
illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car window. fadk;ljjasss No, that’s not a
typo, that’s just my jaw hitting the keyboard in disbelief.
It really pisses me off when adults who should know better try to pass laws that
infringe upon the freedoms of other adults, but this is ridiculous. Making a dog go for
an extended car ride without a window to look and smell out of is cruel and unusual
punishment for the dog, and could actually be unsafe for the driver. If the dog doesn’t
have something to do during the trip, he’s going to get bored and start looking for
some entertainment. That might include jumping in your lap or attempting to find out if
your shoes are edible yet, not to mention licking your face.
Apparently, budding Neo-Nazi Marc believes that the law should be put in place
because “dogs can jump out of car windows.” Oh yeah, well so can 11 year-old
morons, so maybe we shouldn’t allow them to roll their windows down. I have never
heard of a dog who’s jumped out of a moving vehicle, and besides, any responsible
dog owner knows that you don’t roll the window down all the way. Just enough so
that your dog’s head can fit outside. Most dogs aren’t dumb enough to jump out of
your car on the freeway (unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Kentuckians. Anyone
remember the woman who jumped out of her sunroof last year and died because she
thought the Rapture was starting?), but it’s a good idea to keep the window partially
rolled up so they don’t try to chase a squirrel or ugly child when you’re stopped at a
light.
But I digress. We don’t need laws to cover every single situation. Laws are in place
to protect people from other people, whether individuals or organizations, not to
protect people from themselves. Why should we? If we start trying to keep
dumbasses from offing themselves, they’re going to reproduce, and pretty soon we’ll
be a nation of retards. And to try to protect the dumbasses in the animal world on
top of that? C’mon, people, has no one heard of natural selection? I swear to God, it
doesn’t have to interfere with Creationist theories. Sometimes I wonder if the world is
really like this or I just took too many hits of acid in high school. And college. And
five minutes ago.
As much as I wish some paroled sex offender would develop a crush on little Marc,
all the blame for this idiotic piece of legislation can’t be placed on him. He’s just the
Chemical Ali of this story: the real Saddam is Pennsylvania State Representative
Mark Stevenson, whose motto is “Fighting For the People of Allegheny County and
the Rest of Your Ham Sandwich If You’re Not Going to Eat That.” Sometime in
between his daily chin-counting and mustache-not-trimming regimens he came up with
the time to implement one of the dumbest programs I’ve ever read about in the Kid's
Section of the Washington Post while I was supposed to be working: The annual
“There Ought to Be a Law” contest. The gist of it is, children submit laws they’d like
to see on the books and then Stevenson tries to get the winner’s idea made into
actual factual state law. Hey, that’s a great idea! We don’t have enough bizarre,
pointless and unnecessarily obtrusive laws on the books, so let’s get kids to make
laws for us.
If making it illegal for a fucking dog to stick its head out of the window of a car is the
best idea of the bunch, I would love to see the rest of the submissions. I’m guessing
they were along the lines of “Superman’s birthday should be a national holiday,”
“recess has to take up at least 80% of the school day,” and “my daddy has to stop
hitting me when he drinks.” Kids make the darndest laws. But they shouldn’t, so
everybody should take a second right now to email Rep. Stevenson and tell him to go
drown himself in his toilet.
And while we’re on the topic of stupidity, I just heard a commercial for McDonald’s
about how they’re offering free samples of their new “Fruit and Walnut Don’t Sue Us
We’re Changing” Salad. In the commercial, a woman talks about how she’s “from a
good family” and “doesn’t want to get hooked.” So, Ronald, you’re saying eating your
food is like popping Schedule 1 narcotics? No thanks, I’ll just stick with good ‘ole
heroin. At least that keeps me skinny.
That’s all for now. Until next time, don’t do Fruit and Walnut Salad and keep your
kids the hell away from state legislatures.
phones and credit cards, murdering their peers, or attempting to enact frivolous laws
that take away personal freedoms. According to the Washington Post, 11-year old
Pennsylvanian dipshit Marc McCann is trying to get a law passed that will make it
illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car window. fadk;ljjasss No, that’s not a
typo, that’s just my jaw hitting the keyboard in disbelief.
It really pisses me off when adults who should know better try to pass laws that
infringe upon the freedoms of other adults, but this is ridiculous. Making a dog go for
an extended car ride without a window to look and smell out of is cruel and unusual
punishment for the dog, and could actually be unsafe for the driver. If the dog doesn’t
have something to do during the trip, he’s going to get bored and start looking for
some entertainment. That might include jumping in your lap or attempting to find out if
your shoes are edible yet, not to mention licking your face.
Apparently, budding Neo-Nazi Marc believes that the law should be put in place
because “dogs can jump out of car windows.” Oh yeah, well so can 11 year-old
morons, so maybe we shouldn’t allow them to roll their windows down. I have never
heard of a dog who’s jumped out of a moving vehicle, and besides, any responsible
dog owner knows that you don’t roll the window down all the way. Just enough so
that your dog’s head can fit outside. Most dogs aren’t dumb enough to jump out of
your car on the freeway (unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Kentuckians. Anyone
remember the woman who jumped out of her sunroof last year and died because she
thought the Rapture was starting?), but it’s a good idea to keep the window partially
rolled up so they don’t try to chase a squirrel or ugly child when you’re stopped at a
light.
But I digress. We don’t need laws to cover every single situation. Laws are in place
to protect people from other people, whether individuals or organizations, not to
protect people from themselves. Why should we? If we start trying to keep
dumbasses from offing themselves, they’re going to reproduce, and pretty soon we’ll
be a nation of retards. And to try to protect the dumbasses in the animal world on
top of that? C’mon, people, has no one heard of natural selection? I swear to God, it
doesn’t have to interfere with Creationist theories. Sometimes I wonder if the world is
really like this or I just took too many hits of acid in high school. And college. And
five minutes ago.
As much as I wish some paroled sex offender would develop a crush on little Marc,
all the blame for this idiotic piece of legislation can’t be placed on him. He’s just the
Chemical Ali of this story: the real Saddam is Pennsylvania State Representative
Mark Stevenson, whose motto is “Fighting For the People of Allegheny County and
the Rest of Your Ham Sandwich If You’re Not Going to Eat That.” Sometime in
between his daily chin-counting and mustache-not-trimming regimens he came up with
the time to implement one of the dumbest programs I’ve ever read about in the Kid's
Section of the Washington Post while I was supposed to be working: The annual
“There Ought to Be a Law” contest. The gist of it is, children submit laws they’d like
to see on the books and then Stevenson tries to get the winner’s idea made into
actual factual state law. Hey, that’s a great idea! We don’t have enough bizarre,
pointless and unnecessarily obtrusive laws on the books, so let’s get kids to make
laws for us.
If making it illegal for a fucking dog to stick its head out of the window of a car is the
best idea of the bunch, I would love to see the rest of the submissions. I’m guessing
they were along the lines of “Superman’s birthday should be a national holiday,”
“recess has to take up at least 80% of the school day,” and “my daddy has to stop
hitting me when he drinks.” Kids make the darndest laws. But they shouldn’t, so
everybody should take a second right now to email Rep. Stevenson and tell him to go
drown himself in his toilet.
And while we’re on the topic of stupidity, I just heard a commercial for McDonald’s
about how they’re offering free samples of their new “Fruit and Walnut Don’t Sue Us
We’re Changing” Salad. In the commercial, a woman talks about how she’s “from a
good family” and “doesn’t want to get hooked.” So, Ronald, you’re saying eating your
food is like popping Schedule 1 narcotics? No thanks, I’ll just stick with good ‘ole
heroin. At least that keeps me skinny.
That’s all for now. Until next time, don’t do Fruit and Walnut Salad and keep your
kids the hell away from state legislatures.
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
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