 |  |  |  |
| I Guess Fred Really Did Do It All For The Nookie |
| Hey, Fred, you got something on your face! Oh, never mind, it's just ugly. |
So apparently Fred Durst, former lead-shouter of idiot rock “band” Limp Bizkit pulled
a Paris and is now trying to sue several websites for making his sex tape available to
the public. I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Fred. This time, online
purveyors of smut have gone too far in their quest to invade the privacy of people who
have no right being famous in the first place.
It’s time for regular guys like me to do something. I’m thinking about suing those
websites myself, since posting video of Fred’s not-so-limp bizkit constitutes a major
health hazard. I mean, what if my lecherous great-uncle was on the net hunting for
some hot pics of Catholic schoolgirls and stumbled across something like that? It
could damn well kill the guy. To the bastards who insist on endangering elderly
perverts everywhere with their reckless and indiscriminate posting of material that has
no place anywhere save the screening rooms of the ninth-circle of Hell I say, for
shame! Leave Fred’s genitalia where it belongs, far from the public eye (and
preferably buried under a thousand tons of concrete in the deepest reaches of Siberia
and guarded by an army of penguins with missiles strapped to their backs like in
Batman Returns).
Why the hell would people want to see a celebrity’s homemade sex tape anyway? I’
ve seen parts of a few of those stolen tapes and they suck. The quality is terrible.
These people make movies, television shows and music videos for a living, so you’d
think they’d know a little something about lighting. Has our country really become so
celebrity-crazed that we’re willing to endure dark, grainy video and interminable
download times just to catch a glimpse of a famous boob? It’s just boobs, people! If
you want to see some, I can give you a list of quality websites as long as my arm or,
better yet, the names of several bars where you can see real life college girls “going
wild.”
I read once that the Paris Hilton sex tape was selling in stores for fifty bucks. Fifty
bucks! You can probably get Paris herself for less than that. Which I wouldn’t want
anyway, because I really think it would feel too much like hooking up with Skeletor
from the old He-Man cartoon (“By the power of Grayskull, I have bulimia!”). Attention
ladies: if you have a bunch of med students following you around and using the bones
in your back to study for their upcoming anatomy test, you are too damn skinny.
Some things are better left to the imagination, and your skeletal structure is one of
them (and incidentally, if a guy ever casually mentions that he was imagining what
your skeletal structure looks like, run!).
The other problem with celebrity sex tapes (besides their unappealing nature) is that
they take money out of the pockets of decent, hard-working porn stars. Imagine you
opened a store selling oranges, and started doing okay but not good enough to
retire. Then Robert Redford opens a store selling oranges across the street. His
oranges aren’t as plump and juicy as yours, but hey, he’s Robert-fucking-Redford so
all the lonely, middle-aged men and horny, teenage boys who used to buy oranges
from you (not to mention all the really hot chicks out there who secretly dig oranges)
start buying from him. Your business dries up and you’re back to hooking on the
street just because the fact that it’s a famous orange is more important to the
average American than quality.
Well, seriously folks, enough is enough. Let’s all go back to buying our oranges from
licensed orange-sellers who seriously need the cash to get by, rather than some
famous person who didn’t really want to sell oranges to the public to begin with. If
you want to see Pamela Anderson naked, pick up a back issue of Playboy. If you
want to see Paris Hilton naked, just ask her. And if you want to see Fred Durst
naked, please call a therapist right away because something is seriously wrong with
you. I mean, even the chick in the video with him had her eyes closed. Nobody
wants to see that shit.
And along these same lines, next time Fox does a “stars without makeup” special,
turn off your damn television. Not only does it make for shitty T.V. that caters to the
lowest common denominator, but I think it’s rude to take pictures of a makeup-less
celebrity without their permission. It’s like running up to an old woman after church
and yanking her skirt over her head. That’s just wrong (although I can’t say I wouldn’t
laugh. I would, and with vigor. But deep down, I wouldn’t approve. And do you really
want to risk my disapproval? Didn’t think so). Remember, just because the media
pays undue attention to someone doesn’t mean you should too. Just say no to
celebrity-worship, kids.
a Paris and is now trying to sue several websites for making his sex tape available to
the public. I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Fred. This time, online
purveyors of smut have gone too far in their quest to invade the privacy of people who
have no right being famous in the first place.
It’s time for regular guys like me to do something. I’m thinking about suing those
websites myself, since posting video of Fred’s not-so-limp bizkit constitutes a major
health hazard. I mean, what if my lecherous great-uncle was on the net hunting for
some hot pics of Catholic schoolgirls and stumbled across something like that? It
could damn well kill the guy. To the bastards who insist on endangering elderly
perverts everywhere with their reckless and indiscriminate posting of material that has
no place anywhere save the screening rooms of the ninth-circle of Hell I say, for
shame! Leave Fred’s genitalia where it belongs, far from the public eye (and
preferably buried under a thousand tons of concrete in the deepest reaches of Siberia
and guarded by an army of penguins with missiles strapped to their backs like in
Batman Returns).
Why the hell would people want to see a celebrity’s homemade sex tape anyway? I’
ve seen parts of a few of those stolen tapes and they suck. The quality is terrible.
These people make movies, television shows and music videos for a living, so you’d
think they’d know a little something about lighting. Has our country really become so
celebrity-crazed that we’re willing to endure dark, grainy video and interminable
download times just to catch a glimpse of a famous boob? It’s just boobs, people! If
you want to see some, I can give you a list of quality websites as long as my arm or,
better yet, the names of several bars where you can see real life college girls “going
wild.”
I read once that the Paris Hilton sex tape was selling in stores for fifty bucks. Fifty
bucks! You can probably get Paris herself for less than that. Which I wouldn’t want
anyway, because I really think it would feel too much like hooking up with Skeletor
from the old He-Man cartoon (“By the power of Grayskull, I have bulimia!”). Attention
ladies: if you have a bunch of med students following you around and using the bones
in your back to study for their upcoming anatomy test, you are too damn skinny.
Some things are better left to the imagination, and your skeletal structure is one of
them (and incidentally, if a guy ever casually mentions that he was imagining what
your skeletal structure looks like, run!).
The other problem with celebrity sex tapes (besides their unappealing nature) is that
they take money out of the pockets of decent, hard-working porn stars. Imagine you
opened a store selling oranges, and started doing okay but not good enough to
retire. Then Robert Redford opens a store selling oranges across the street. His
oranges aren’t as plump and juicy as yours, but hey, he’s Robert-fucking-Redford so
all the lonely, middle-aged men and horny, teenage boys who used to buy oranges
from you (not to mention all the really hot chicks out there who secretly dig oranges)
start buying from him. Your business dries up and you’re back to hooking on the
street just because the fact that it’s a famous orange is more important to the
average American than quality.
Well, seriously folks, enough is enough. Let’s all go back to buying our oranges from
licensed orange-sellers who seriously need the cash to get by, rather than some
famous person who didn’t really want to sell oranges to the public to begin with. If
you want to see Pamela Anderson naked, pick up a back issue of Playboy. If you
want to see Paris Hilton naked, just ask her. And if you want to see Fred Durst
naked, please call a therapist right away because something is seriously wrong with
you. I mean, even the chick in the video with him had her eyes closed. Nobody
wants to see that shit.
And along these same lines, next time Fox does a “stars without makeup” special,
turn off your damn television. Not only does it make for shitty T.V. that caters to the
lowest common denominator, but I think it’s rude to take pictures of a makeup-less
celebrity without their permission. It’s like running up to an old woman after church
and yanking her skirt over her head. That’s just wrong (although I can’t say I wouldn’t
laugh. I would, and with vigor. But deep down, I wouldn’t approve. And do you really
want to risk my disapproval? Didn’t think so). Remember, just because the media
pays undue attention to someone doesn’t mean you should too. Just say no to
celebrity-worship, kids.
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
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