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| How to Ace a Job Interview |
| Never go into an interview unprepared. |
Jobs are everywhere nowadays, and more people are trying to get them than ever before. In
order to get the job you want, you have to make yourself stand out from the pack. Here are
some tips to help you ace that interview and land the job of your dreams!
Personal hygiene might be overrated, but it is something you need to think about before you
even leave your house. I know, I know, Pigpen’s my favorite Peanuts character too, but if you
look closely at the comic strip I don’t recall Pigpen ever having a job. The other characters did:
Lucy was a shrink, Snoopy was a fighter pilot, and Linus had that whole piano man thing going
on. Charlie Brown didn’t do shit but that was because all the other characters were giving him
a cut of their action. He ran that strip with an iron fist.
But I digress. Point is, the dirty kid didn’t have a job. And if you don’t wash your stank ass
before the interview, you won’t either (unless you live in Mississippi). Showering is crucial.
Just remember not to roll in the mud on the way to the interview, no matter how hot it is outside.
Once you get to the office, you’ll come face to face with the receptionist. She’s underpaid,
overworked, and not important enough to acknowledge. Speaking to her is beneath you, so
just hand her your card and look away. It might seem cruel, but it’s better than the interviewer
walking out of his office and seeing you fraternizing with the help. If communication is
necessary, speak loudly and slowly, like you’re talking to a deaf person.
Chances are, you’ll have to wait around for awhile before the interviewer can see you. Use
this time to mark your territory. Carpet holds the scent pretty well, but it also tends to stain.
Look for a nice potted plant instead. Failing that, use the receptionist. Once you’re done,
case the place for stuff you can steal on the way out. Little known fact: if something isn’t
nailed down, taking it isn’t technically stealing.
Eventually, the interviewer will come out to the waiting area to meet you. First impressions are
very important, so make it count! You’ll want the interviewer to think you’re cool, so when he
offers his hand to shake, do one of those crazy jive hand-slap-things like in the movie Road
Trip (Xi! Chi! Xi! Chi!). If that doesn’t impress him, do a cartwheel.
Leadership skills are highly sought after in today’s job market, but a lot of people don’t really
have them. You’re going to want to demonstrate to the interviewer that you’re a leader, so don’
t wait for him to show you to his office. Just motion for him to follow you and start walking in a
purposeful manner. Keep an eye out for empty offices. Once you spot one, go on in and
make yourself at home: kick your feet up, check your email, yell at your roommate, whatever.
Other people’s offices are also great places to make long distance calls, so if you haven’t
talked to Grandma in awhile, now’s your chance.
Once the interview begins, it’s your time to shine. You want to endear yourself to the
interviewer as much as possible, so make up a cute nickname for him based on some physical
characteristic. For example, if he’s got a huge nose, call him Arthur Schnozzerelli (or The
Schnozz for short). If he’s lacking in stature, call him Hank the Angry Dwarf or Rumplestiltskin.
If he’s a chair, that means you’re in the office by yourself and now’s a great time to steal
things. Check the desk drawers first: some people keep cash in them.
Most interviewers are going to want to ask you some questions, like “What is your previous
work experience?” and “What skills do you bring to the table?” Don’t answer, it’s a trap. The
interviewer is just looking for reasons not to hire you. Any successful job hunter knows the key
to landing the position is intimidation. Let the interviewer ask his silly little questions. Your
only response should be stony silence. Once he starts getting exasperated, hold a finger to
your lips, look deep into his eyes, and say, “Do you know what’s going to happen to your
family if you don’t give me this job?” Then slowly draw a finger across your neck. He should
get the point.
If he doesn’t, he might do something extreme like call security. Don’t be alarmed, this is just
the negotiation phase of the interview. Calmly barricade the door, pull out your switchblade
(you should always bring a weapon to job interviews) and stab the interviewer in the arm or
leg. Make sure it’s just a flesh wound, he can’t give you the job if he’s dead (unless he’s some
kind of zombie interviewer or something. In that case, you’re going to want to destroy the
head. Bludgeoning works best).
By this point, the interviewer should be more than willing to give you the job. Also, security has
probably broken into the office since you’re a shitty barricader (at least that’s what your mom
said last night. Zing!). It’s time for the final phase of the interview: your escape. Find a heavy
object, like a monitor or the interviewer, and use it to break the window. Jump to freedom
while screaming “You’ll never take me alive!”
Remember, your job isn’t quite done when the interview is over. You still have to follow up.
After the interview, you’ll want to send the interviewer a nice thank you note for taking the time
to see you, along with a check for any damage you caused. Just remember to post-date the
check for 2058. With any luck, you’ll be in Mexico before they notice. Suckers!
order to get the job you want, you have to make yourself stand out from the pack. Here are
some tips to help you ace that interview and land the job of your dreams!
Personal hygiene might be overrated, but it is something you need to think about before you
even leave your house. I know, I know, Pigpen’s my favorite Peanuts character too, but if you
look closely at the comic strip I don’t recall Pigpen ever having a job. The other characters did:
Lucy was a shrink, Snoopy was a fighter pilot, and Linus had that whole piano man thing going
on. Charlie Brown didn’t do shit but that was because all the other characters were giving him
a cut of their action. He ran that strip with an iron fist.
But I digress. Point is, the dirty kid didn’t have a job. And if you don’t wash your stank ass
before the interview, you won’t either (unless you live in Mississippi). Showering is crucial.
Just remember not to roll in the mud on the way to the interview, no matter how hot it is outside.
Once you get to the office, you’ll come face to face with the receptionist. She’s underpaid,
overworked, and not important enough to acknowledge. Speaking to her is beneath you, so
just hand her your card and look away. It might seem cruel, but it’s better than the interviewer
walking out of his office and seeing you fraternizing with the help. If communication is
necessary, speak loudly and slowly, like you’re talking to a deaf person.
Chances are, you’ll have to wait around for awhile before the interviewer can see you. Use
this time to mark your territory. Carpet holds the scent pretty well, but it also tends to stain.
Look for a nice potted plant instead. Failing that, use the receptionist. Once you’re done,
case the place for stuff you can steal on the way out. Little known fact: if something isn’t
nailed down, taking it isn’t technically stealing.
Eventually, the interviewer will come out to the waiting area to meet you. First impressions are
very important, so make it count! You’ll want the interviewer to think you’re cool, so when he
offers his hand to shake, do one of those crazy jive hand-slap-things like in the movie Road
Trip (Xi! Chi! Xi! Chi!). If that doesn’t impress him, do a cartwheel.
Leadership skills are highly sought after in today’s job market, but a lot of people don’t really
have them. You’re going to want to demonstrate to the interviewer that you’re a leader, so don’
t wait for him to show you to his office. Just motion for him to follow you and start walking in a
purposeful manner. Keep an eye out for empty offices. Once you spot one, go on in and
make yourself at home: kick your feet up, check your email, yell at your roommate, whatever.
Other people’s offices are also great places to make long distance calls, so if you haven’t
talked to Grandma in awhile, now’s your chance.
Once the interview begins, it’s your time to shine. You want to endear yourself to the
interviewer as much as possible, so make up a cute nickname for him based on some physical
characteristic. For example, if he’s got a huge nose, call him Arthur Schnozzerelli (or The
Schnozz for short). If he’s lacking in stature, call him Hank the Angry Dwarf or Rumplestiltskin.
If he’s a chair, that means you’re in the office by yourself and now’s a great time to steal
things. Check the desk drawers first: some people keep cash in them.
Most interviewers are going to want to ask you some questions, like “What is your previous
work experience?” and “What skills do you bring to the table?” Don’t answer, it’s a trap. The
interviewer is just looking for reasons not to hire you. Any successful job hunter knows the key
to landing the position is intimidation. Let the interviewer ask his silly little questions. Your
only response should be stony silence. Once he starts getting exasperated, hold a finger to
your lips, look deep into his eyes, and say, “Do you know what’s going to happen to your
family if you don’t give me this job?” Then slowly draw a finger across your neck. He should
get the point.
If he doesn’t, he might do something extreme like call security. Don’t be alarmed, this is just
the negotiation phase of the interview. Calmly barricade the door, pull out your switchblade
(you should always bring a weapon to job interviews) and stab the interviewer in the arm or
leg. Make sure it’s just a flesh wound, he can’t give you the job if he’s dead (unless he’s some
kind of zombie interviewer or something. In that case, you’re going to want to destroy the
head. Bludgeoning works best).
By this point, the interviewer should be more than willing to give you the job. Also, security has
probably broken into the office since you’re a shitty barricader (at least that’s what your mom
said last night. Zing!). It’s time for the final phase of the interview: your escape. Find a heavy
object, like a monitor or the interviewer, and use it to break the window. Jump to freedom
while screaming “You’ll never take me alive!”
Remember, your job isn’t quite done when the interview is over. You still have to follow up.
After the interview, you’ll want to send the interviewer a nice thank you note for taking the time
to see you, along with a check for any damage you caused. Just remember to post-date the
check for 2058. With any luck, you’ll be in Mexico before they notice. Suckers!
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
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