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| Let's All Be Nice to Michael Jackson |
Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Every time I turn on my television somebody’s making fun of
Michael Jackson and I, for one, am sick of it. It’s played out, and it’s getting to the point where
it’s not even in the same zip code as funny, kind of like making fun of somebody for having
cancer.
Case in point: the new Eminem video. Eminem raps about molesting kids while dressed up
like M.J. That by itself is lame enough, but the song sucks. Eminem used to be interesting.
His first album was hilarious. Then his second album dropped. The critics messed
themselves like Grandpa at a prune farm, the church-types got their protest on, and everybody
else accosted record store clerks on the street, demanding a chance to help buy new cars for
Interscope’s top executives. In the confusion, nobody noticed that, aside from a handful of
songs, the album actually sucked. The beats were great, but lyrically it couldn’t cut the
mustard. Upwards of ninety percent of the lyrics were variations on the following phrase: “I am
very crazy.” After listening to the Slim Shady LP for the first time, I kicked back in my chair and
thought, “Damn, I’d could really go for a chimichanga.” Then I thought, “Wow, that is one
crazy guy.” That’s the difference between the two albums: on Slim Shady, he shows, rather
than tells. That’s the first thing you learn in any creative writing class.
The other thing that pisses me off about Eminem, other than the fact that he’s a mean-spirited,
unoriginal douchebag, is that he has one of the most transparent marketing plans in the music
business. Every time he gets ready to put out a new album, the first song that hits the radio is
always a riff on “My Name Is.” You know, a beat that sounds like bad circus-music and the
goofiest lyrics this side of Weird Al Yankovic’s ouevre. The kind of music that makes you want
to bang your head…against a wall. The worst part is, it’s everywhere. You cannot escape a
new Eminem song. It gets into your head worse than “It’s a Small World” and pretty soon you’
re singing along to it every time it comes on the radio (approximately every six minutes) and
then you’re dying your hair blonde, beating your girlfriend, referring to yourself in the third
person and writing run-on sentences.
Eminem’s new song, “Just Lose It,” is just like every other first single he’s ever released, with
one exception: there’s only about thirty seconds of actual rapping on the track. The rest is all
screaming and bad Nelly impressions (is there any such thing as a good Nelly impression?).
Eminem should also fire whoever engineered that track because some dumbass managed to
drop part of his verse from “Lose Yourself” right into the middle of the song. The whole thing
is an auditory train wreck, and to top it all off he has to go and rip on poor old Michael Jackson.
I have to admit, though, that Michael’s response to the whole video was weaker than a starving
five-year old. Basically, he whined about how Eminem was being mean to him until BET pulled
the video out of rotation (I wish they’d also snatched that new Cash Money Millionaires song
while they were pulling things. That song blows). What he should have done was get off his
ass and release a song of his own (he used to be some sort of musician before he turned into
the Joker, right?). But no, apparently he thinks crying will make everything all better. No
wonder he prefers the company of small children.
So let’s all lay off Michael, okay? He’s living proof that money can’ t buy happiness or a
decent nose. His life is bad enough as it is without the whole nation pointing their fingers and
laughing at him. I say whatever happens in Michael Jackson’s bed stays in Michael Jackson’s
bed. Not that molesting kids is a good thing but hey, I’m not a kid so what do I care?
Michael Jackson and I, for one, am sick of it. It’s played out, and it’s getting to the point where
it’s not even in the same zip code as funny, kind of like making fun of somebody for having
cancer.
Case in point: the new Eminem video. Eminem raps about molesting kids while dressed up
like M.J. That by itself is lame enough, but the song sucks. Eminem used to be interesting.
His first album was hilarious. Then his second album dropped. The critics messed
themselves like Grandpa at a prune farm, the church-types got their protest on, and everybody
else accosted record store clerks on the street, demanding a chance to help buy new cars for
Interscope’s top executives. In the confusion, nobody noticed that, aside from a handful of
songs, the album actually sucked. The beats were great, but lyrically it couldn’t cut the
mustard. Upwards of ninety percent of the lyrics were variations on the following phrase: “I am
very crazy.” After listening to the Slim Shady LP for the first time, I kicked back in my chair and
thought, “Damn, I’d could really go for a chimichanga.” Then I thought, “Wow, that is one
crazy guy.” That’s the difference between the two albums: on Slim Shady, he shows, rather
than tells. That’s the first thing you learn in any creative writing class.
The other thing that pisses me off about Eminem, other than the fact that he’s a mean-spirited,
unoriginal douchebag, is that he has one of the most transparent marketing plans in the music
business. Every time he gets ready to put out a new album, the first song that hits the radio is
always a riff on “My Name Is.” You know, a beat that sounds like bad circus-music and the
goofiest lyrics this side of Weird Al Yankovic’s ouevre. The kind of music that makes you want
to bang your head…against a wall. The worst part is, it’s everywhere. You cannot escape a
new Eminem song. It gets into your head worse than “It’s a Small World” and pretty soon you’
re singing along to it every time it comes on the radio (approximately every six minutes) and
then you’re dying your hair blonde, beating your girlfriend, referring to yourself in the third
person and writing run-on sentences.
Eminem’s new song, “Just Lose It,” is just like every other first single he’s ever released, with
one exception: there’s only about thirty seconds of actual rapping on the track. The rest is all
screaming and bad Nelly impressions (is there any such thing as a good Nelly impression?).
Eminem should also fire whoever engineered that track because some dumbass managed to
drop part of his verse from “Lose Yourself” right into the middle of the song. The whole thing
is an auditory train wreck, and to top it all off he has to go and rip on poor old Michael Jackson.
I have to admit, though, that Michael’s response to the whole video was weaker than a starving
five-year old. Basically, he whined about how Eminem was being mean to him until BET pulled
the video out of rotation (I wish they’d also snatched that new Cash Money Millionaires song
while they were pulling things. That song blows). What he should have done was get off his
ass and release a song of his own (he used to be some sort of musician before he turned into
the Joker, right?). But no, apparently he thinks crying will make everything all better. No
wonder he prefers the company of small children.
So let’s all lay off Michael, okay? He’s living proof that money can’ t buy happiness or a
decent nose. His life is bad enough as it is without the whole nation pointing their fingers and
laughing at him. I say whatever happens in Michael Jackson’s bed stays in Michael Jackson’s
bed. Not that molesting kids is a good thing but hey, I’m not a kid so what do I care?