 |  |  |  |
| I'm Sure You're "Handi-Capable" of Finding Your Own Damn Parking Space |
| Rollin' With Tha Homies |
So the other day I headed over to Borders to hide copies of the Joy of Sex in the kids’ section
(hey, better they learn about the birds and bees from me than on the street). When I got there
the parking lot was fairly crowded, but to my surprise I spotted a sweet ass space right up
front. I motored on over and pulled into the spot, where I noticed something very disturbing: a
sign that said, “Reserved for Pregnant Women and Parents With Small Children.”
I let out a ferocious scream and tightly shut my eyes, but that didn’t make the sign go away. I
briefly considered attempting to knock myself unconscious, thought better over it, strangled
myself until I blacked out, and woke up a few minutes later with a large crowd gathered around
my car. Assuming they were merely concerned citizens attempting to ascertain my level of
okay-ness, I rolled down my window to tell them things were fine and dandy. But before I could
say word one, some dude who looked like he forgot to take his Metamucil started laying into
me about parking in a spot for preggos and parents. The other members of the herd chimed
in, including one lady who claimed to be pregnant but was very obviously just fat. Pretty soon I
was being compared to some of the most despicable despots in history: Hitler, Pol Pot, Mayor
McCheese. Things were getting out of hand.
I’ve always made it a point to never get into an argument with someone who’s dumber or less
good-looking than me, because their opinions don’t matter, so I threw my car in reverse, yelled,
“Get the fuck out of my way,” and started backing up. Some heifer in a minivan pulled up and
tried to block me in, but I slammed on the gas and t-boned the bitch. That’ll teach her to be a
motorist, I thought. Before the crowd knew what had happened, I’d busted a Ralph and sped
to the far side of the parking lot. A few of them attempted to give chase, but luckily they were
all among the two-thirds of Americans who are overweight and couldn’t make it to the end of
the aisle. One particularly portly gentleman collapsed on the ground, presumably having a
heart attack. Because I’m a bitter, vindictive soul, I waited for the ambulance to arrive and then
shot out the tires with a BB gun. I had to pump it a shitload of times but it was totally worth it.
That’s when I realized I’d gotten so mad at stupid fat people that I’d forgotten the real reason I
was angry to begin with: the sign. Why the hell should pregnant women and people with kids
get a prime piece of parking lot real estate reserved for them? So you got knocked up,
congratu-fucking-lations, I don’t care. Just because you forgot to take your pill doesn’t mean
you shouldn’t have to fight for the good parking spaces like everybody else.
I mean, it’s bad enough handicapped people have spots reserved for them. How much good
does that actually do? It only really helps out a narrow segment of the handicapped
population: those with mobility issues. It doesn’t do dick for blind people, and I’m not sure they
let deaf people drive (I hope they don’t, because I’d hate for someone not to able to hear me
yelling obscenities at them). But unless they’re really unlucky, deaf people can walk anyway,
so it’s a moot point.
The thing that pisses me off is, I always see handicapped people on T.V. talking about how
they’re just like everyone else and they want to be treated the same. That’s all well and good,
until you roll your hypocritical ass into a special parking spot near the front of the store
reserved for you. If you don’t want to be discriminated against, then take that sticker off your
car and take whatever spot you can get just like everyone else. Remember them, everyone
else? The people that you want to be treated just like, but only when it’s convenient for you? I
say, either trade in your special privileges or get ready to be treated like a worthless cripple.
What’s even worse is, you don’t really have to be handicapped to get a sticker for your car?
Fat people can get them too! That is absolute bullshit. Why reward someone for stuffing their
face with Ho Hos? Fat people should have to park in the spots at the very end of the parking
lot, to force their obese asses to get some exercise. In my book, it’s a mortal sin to feel sorry
for someone who’s brought their misery upon themselves. I’ll bet you don’t feel any sympathy
for a random scumbag who’s stuck in a prison cell right now, do you? That’s right, you don’t.
So why should you feel sorry for someone who’s stuck in a prison of their own design?
What the hell is wrong with our society, anyway, that we allow the inferior to be coddled? Has
no one ever heard of natural selection? Survival of the fittest? Charles Darwin is probably
spinning in his grave. Either that or rotting. Probably rotting. But rotting indignantly.
(hey, better they learn about the birds and bees from me than on the street). When I got there
the parking lot was fairly crowded, but to my surprise I spotted a sweet ass space right up
front. I motored on over and pulled into the spot, where I noticed something very disturbing: a
sign that said, “Reserved for Pregnant Women and Parents With Small Children.”
I let out a ferocious scream and tightly shut my eyes, but that didn’t make the sign go away. I
briefly considered attempting to knock myself unconscious, thought better over it, strangled
myself until I blacked out, and woke up a few minutes later with a large crowd gathered around
my car. Assuming they were merely concerned citizens attempting to ascertain my level of
okay-ness, I rolled down my window to tell them things were fine and dandy. But before I could
say word one, some dude who looked like he forgot to take his Metamucil started laying into
me about parking in a spot for preggos and parents. The other members of the herd chimed
in, including one lady who claimed to be pregnant but was very obviously just fat. Pretty soon I
was being compared to some of the most despicable despots in history: Hitler, Pol Pot, Mayor
McCheese. Things were getting out of hand.
I’ve always made it a point to never get into an argument with someone who’s dumber or less
good-looking than me, because their opinions don’t matter, so I threw my car in reverse, yelled,
“Get the fuck out of my way,” and started backing up. Some heifer in a minivan pulled up and
tried to block me in, but I slammed on the gas and t-boned the bitch. That’ll teach her to be a
motorist, I thought. Before the crowd knew what had happened, I’d busted a Ralph and sped
to the far side of the parking lot. A few of them attempted to give chase, but luckily they were
all among the two-thirds of Americans who are overweight and couldn’t make it to the end of
the aisle. One particularly portly gentleman collapsed on the ground, presumably having a
heart attack. Because I’m a bitter, vindictive soul, I waited for the ambulance to arrive and then
shot out the tires with a BB gun. I had to pump it a shitload of times but it was totally worth it.
That’s when I realized I’d gotten so mad at stupid fat people that I’d forgotten the real reason I
was angry to begin with: the sign. Why the hell should pregnant women and people with kids
get a prime piece of parking lot real estate reserved for them? So you got knocked up,
congratu-fucking-lations, I don’t care. Just because you forgot to take your pill doesn’t mean
you shouldn’t have to fight for the good parking spaces like everybody else.
I mean, it’s bad enough handicapped people have spots reserved for them. How much good
does that actually do? It only really helps out a narrow segment of the handicapped
population: those with mobility issues. It doesn’t do dick for blind people, and I’m not sure they
let deaf people drive (I hope they don’t, because I’d hate for someone not to able to hear me
yelling obscenities at them). But unless they’re really unlucky, deaf people can walk anyway,
so it’s a moot point.
The thing that pisses me off is, I always see handicapped people on T.V. talking about how
they’re just like everyone else and they want to be treated the same. That’s all well and good,
until you roll your hypocritical ass into a special parking spot near the front of the store
reserved for you. If you don’t want to be discriminated against, then take that sticker off your
car and take whatever spot you can get just like everyone else. Remember them, everyone
else? The people that you want to be treated just like, but only when it’s convenient for you? I
say, either trade in your special privileges or get ready to be treated like a worthless cripple.
What’s even worse is, you don’t really have to be handicapped to get a sticker for your car?
Fat people can get them too! That is absolute bullshit. Why reward someone for stuffing their
face with Ho Hos? Fat people should have to park in the spots at the very end of the parking
lot, to force their obese asses to get some exercise. In my book, it’s a mortal sin to feel sorry
for someone who’s brought their misery upon themselves. I’ll bet you don’t feel any sympathy
for a random scumbag who’s stuck in a prison cell right now, do you? That’s right, you don’t.
So why should you feel sorry for someone who’s stuck in a prison of their own design?
What the hell is wrong with our society, anyway, that we allow the inferior to be coddled? Has
no one ever heard of natural selection? Survival of the fittest? Charles Darwin is probably
spinning in his grave. Either that or rotting. Probably rotting. But rotting indignantly.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
Back to Salsa