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| Tips For First Time Home-Buyers |
| "Our house, in the middle of the street..." |
Unless you’re planning on buying a professional sports team, your home is probably
the most expensive purchase you’ll ever make. Therefore, you want to make sure
you get the best home for your money. The world of real estate can be a confusing
one, but your old friend Jimi Changa is here to help. I’ve been living in houses for
nineteen of my twenty-four years on this here planet, so I figure I’m kind of an expert.
Below, I’ve laid it all out for you: what to expect when you go to look at a house,
potential problems to look for, and how to close on the house without getting ripped
off. Just follow these guidelines and before you know it, you’ll join the ranks of such
esteemed homeowners as pop diva Michael Jackson, boxing promoter Don King, and
former President Jimmy Carter.
The first step in buying a home is finding one you’d like to buy. Some people look for
homes in areas near good schools, shopping, etc. Not me. I just look for a place that’
s down the street from a bar. Being able to stumble home safely is key. Also, make
sure the neighborhood has at least one yard with overgrown grass, cars propped up
on cinderblocks, three thousand cats, or some other obvious nuisance. That way, you’
ll be able to act like a dick while at the same time avoiding the stigma of being the
hated “bad neighbor.”
Most homes are sold through real estate agents. Once you find a home you’d like to
buy, you’ll need to call the real estate agent to set up a walk through. This will give
you an opportunity to inspect the place and make sure it’s the right house for you. It
will also give you an opportunity to get rid of that pesky real estate agent. Personally,
I prefer using an oversized wooden mallet, but some people don’t like dealing with the
mess. After all, if you buy the place you don’t want to have to worry about getting
blood stains out. A syringe full of battery acid is a great, non-messy way to get the
job done quickly, and painful as hell to boot!
After you’ve disposed of the real estate agent’s body in one of the neighbors’ yards, it’
s time to check out the house. The first thing I like to do is go into the backyard and
dig for treasure. You never know what you might find. One time I thought I found a
doubloon but it turned out to be a coke bottle cap. I was so angry I dug up the
remains of the family’s old dog and tried to hold it for ransom, but it turned out to
belong to the family who lived there before them and I tried to look them up in the
phone book but Smith is a really common name and then I got hungry for chicken pot
pie but KFC was closed and once I broke in I couldn’t figure out how to work the
microwave. Why is my life so hard?
Once you’ve made sure there isn’t any treasure in the backyard, it’s time to head
inside the house. I generally walk in and out of each door ten to fifteen times, just to
make sure it works. After I’ve ascertained that each entrance functions properly, I do
a quick inspection of each room.
The living room is my favorite place to start. The first thing I do is take down any
family photos and toss them in a big pile in the middle of the room. I can’t picture
myself living somewhere if I’ve got to look at a bunch of pictures of ugly children and
old people. Also, once I’ve set the bonfire, I can check on whether or not the smoke
detectors function properly, where the fire extinguishers are located, and how fire-
resistant the house is as a whole. Some people call it arson; I call it hands-on
testing.
Provided the house hasn’t been reduced to cinders, it’s on to the kitchen! You’d be
surprised what you can find out about a house through the kitchen. For example, if
there’s lots of foods like beans, chances are the plumbing isn’t in the best shape. If
there isn’t any food at all, the owners either had eating disorders or traveled a lot. If
there’s either A) an unusual amount of food or B) evidence that there was an unusual
amount of food there (i.e. empty boxes of Honeycomb, bags of pork rinds, etc.),
chances are the owners are fat and you’ll want to have the stairs looked at.
After gorging myself on the contents of their kitchen, it’s on to the bathroom. Time to
road-test the toilet and make sure it flushes to my specifications. If your toilet won’t
flush properly, everyone will think you’re a weak-willed pansy. Most of the time I’ll be
able to go, but if not I’ll just go out and collect some excrement from the real estate
agent’s body. Little known fact: when you die, your bowels tend to relax. Collect as
much from the real estate agent as you can and shove it all in the toilet, along with a
full roll of toilet paper, some Matchbox cars, and any pets the owners might have left
home alone. Then flush.
Once I’m satisfied with the toilet’s turd-sucking capabilities, it’s on to the shower.
Good water pressure is crucial when you spend as much time wallowing in mud as I
do. This is also a good time to see if the homeowners have any fancy bath products
you can swipe. I might be a scumbag, but I love me some Paul Mitchell. Kicks ass
over Vidal Sassoon.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t spend a lot of time in the bedroom, as most nights
I don’t make it past the front lawn. So that’s not really an important factor for me
when buying a crib. Neither is the foundation. Masonry is uber-boring to me. Pretty
much the only other thing I worry about when buying a house is whether or not it’s
haunted. That’s why I always bring a Ouija board to every walk through. I piss off
enough living people as it is, I don’t need to offend the spirits too. If you do find that
your new house is home to the nearly departed, you can always throw some sweet
Halloween parties.
By this point, you should have gotten a pretty good idea of whether or not you’d like
to purchase the home. If you do, we now move on to the bargaining process. Since
you’ve already gotten rid of the real estate agent, there’s no one standing in between
you and homeownership. The only thing left to do is hash out a deal with the current
owner.
The only way to bargain is from a position of strength, so get yourself some
chloroform, duct tape, a Polaroid camera, and a couple of burly gay dudes. After a
night at your local Motel 6 and subsequent threats to release the pictures to every
media outlet within a hundred mile radius, the current homeowner will have no choice
but to sell you the house at whatever price you come up with. Two dollars is usually
more than fair.
I know buying a home might seem like a hassle or a non-stop orgy of murder,
coprophilia and bondage, but it’s really not as hard as it sounds. You should give it a
try sometime. Just don’t try to buy my house, you son of a bitch. You’ll never get
past the land mines in the front yard. If the mailman couldn’t, what the hell kind of
chance do you think you have?
the most expensive purchase you’ll ever make. Therefore, you want to make sure
you get the best home for your money. The world of real estate can be a confusing
one, but your old friend Jimi Changa is here to help. I’ve been living in houses for
nineteen of my twenty-four years on this here planet, so I figure I’m kind of an expert.
Below, I’ve laid it all out for you: what to expect when you go to look at a house,
potential problems to look for, and how to close on the house without getting ripped
off. Just follow these guidelines and before you know it, you’ll join the ranks of such
esteemed homeowners as pop diva Michael Jackson, boxing promoter Don King, and
former President Jimmy Carter.
The first step in buying a home is finding one you’d like to buy. Some people look for
homes in areas near good schools, shopping, etc. Not me. I just look for a place that’
s down the street from a bar. Being able to stumble home safely is key. Also, make
sure the neighborhood has at least one yard with overgrown grass, cars propped up
on cinderblocks, three thousand cats, or some other obvious nuisance. That way, you’
ll be able to act like a dick while at the same time avoiding the stigma of being the
hated “bad neighbor.”
Most homes are sold through real estate agents. Once you find a home you’d like to
buy, you’ll need to call the real estate agent to set up a walk through. This will give
you an opportunity to inspect the place and make sure it’s the right house for you. It
will also give you an opportunity to get rid of that pesky real estate agent. Personally,
I prefer using an oversized wooden mallet, but some people don’t like dealing with the
mess. After all, if you buy the place you don’t want to have to worry about getting
blood stains out. A syringe full of battery acid is a great, non-messy way to get the
job done quickly, and painful as hell to boot!
After you’ve disposed of the real estate agent’s body in one of the neighbors’ yards, it’
s time to check out the house. The first thing I like to do is go into the backyard and
dig for treasure. You never know what you might find. One time I thought I found a
doubloon but it turned out to be a coke bottle cap. I was so angry I dug up the
remains of the family’s old dog and tried to hold it for ransom, but it turned out to
belong to the family who lived there before them and I tried to look them up in the
phone book but Smith is a really common name and then I got hungry for chicken pot
pie but KFC was closed and once I broke in I couldn’t figure out how to work the
microwave. Why is my life so hard?
Once you’ve made sure there isn’t any treasure in the backyard, it’s time to head
inside the house. I generally walk in and out of each door ten to fifteen times, just to
make sure it works. After I’ve ascertained that each entrance functions properly, I do
a quick inspection of each room.
The living room is my favorite place to start. The first thing I do is take down any
family photos and toss them in a big pile in the middle of the room. I can’t picture
myself living somewhere if I’ve got to look at a bunch of pictures of ugly children and
old people. Also, once I’ve set the bonfire, I can check on whether or not the smoke
detectors function properly, where the fire extinguishers are located, and how fire-
resistant the house is as a whole. Some people call it arson; I call it hands-on
testing.
Provided the house hasn’t been reduced to cinders, it’s on to the kitchen! You’d be
surprised what you can find out about a house through the kitchen. For example, if
there’s lots of foods like beans, chances are the plumbing isn’t in the best shape. If
there isn’t any food at all, the owners either had eating disorders or traveled a lot. If
there’s either A) an unusual amount of food or B) evidence that there was an unusual
amount of food there (i.e. empty boxes of Honeycomb, bags of pork rinds, etc.),
chances are the owners are fat and you’ll want to have the stairs looked at.
After gorging myself on the contents of their kitchen, it’s on to the bathroom. Time to
road-test the toilet and make sure it flushes to my specifications. If your toilet won’t
flush properly, everyone will think you’re a weak-willed pansy. Most of the time I’ll be
able to go, but if not I’ll just go out and collect some excrement from the real estate
agent’s body. Little known fact: when you die, your bowels tend to relax. Collect as
much from the real estate agent as you can and shove it all in the toilet, along with a
full roll of toilet paper, some Matchbox cars, and any pets the owners might have left
home alone. Then flush.
Once I’m satisfied with the toilet’s turd-sucking capabilities, it’s on to the shower.
Good water pressure is crucial when you spend as much time wallowing in mud as I
do. This is also a good time to see if the homeowners have any fancy bath products
you can swipe. I might be a scumbag, but I love me some Paul Mitchell. Kicks ass
over Vidal Sassoon.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t spend a lot of time in the bedroom, as most nights
I don’t make it past the front lawn. So that’s not really an important factor for me
when buying a crib. Neither is the foundation. Masonry is uber-boring to me. Pretty
much the only other thing I worry about when buying a house is whether or not it’s
haunted. That’s why I always bring a Ouija board to every walk through. I piss off
enough living people as it is, I don’t need to offend the spirits too. If you do find that
your new house is home to the nearly departed, you can always throw some sweet
Halloween parties.
By this point, you should have gotten a pretty good idea of whether or not you’d like
to purchase the home. If you do, we now move on to the bargaining process. Since
you’ve already gotten rid of the real estate agent, there’s no one standing in between
you and homeownership. The only thing left to do is hash out a deal with the current
owner.
The only way to bargain is from a position of strength, so get yourself some
chloroform, duct tape, a Polaroid camera, and a couple of burly gay dudes. After a
night at your local Motel 6 and subsequent threats to release the pictures to every
media outlet within a hundred mile radius, the current homeowner will have no choice
but to sell you the house at whatever price you come up with. Two dollars is usually
more than fair.
I know buying a home might seem like a hassle or a non-stop orgy of murder,
coprophilia and bondage, but it’s really not as hard as it sounds. You should give it a
try sometime. Just don’t try to buy my house, you son of a bitch. You’ll never get
past the land mines in the front yard. If the mailman couldn’t, what the hell kind of
chance do you think you have?
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Feel slightly aroused? Then head back to Salsa
