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| Ronald McDonald is Not Out to Get You |
| "Officers, I swear, I was just giving that hooker a ride home." |
I just read today that the infamous McDonald’s obesity lawsuit has been revived. For those
who aren’t up on frivolous litigation, two pudgy little fuckers from New York are claim McDonald’
s turned them into porkers. The lawsuit was previously dismissed by U.S. District Judge
Robert Sweet, who gets my vote for Man of the Year. Unfortunately, the two fatties refused to
give up. If only they’d apply their resolve to ridding themselves of their man-titties instead of
trying to get someone else to take the blame for them. But that would be too much to ask.
They appealed Judge Sweet’s decision, and now the portion of the lawsuit regarding
deceptive advertising has been reinstated.
Seriously, I fail to see how McDonald’s advertising campaigns are deceptive. Sure, they show
people actually enjoying their food, which doesn’t happen in real life (caveat: their steak, egg,
and cheese bagel, also known as the Hangover Cure of the Gods), and the people in the
commercials aren’t blubbery Rascal pilots. But it’s not like they show a fat dude downing a Big
Mac and all of a sudden he’s ripped and surrounded by chicks in bikinis. They’re not
marketing the Big ‘N Tasty as a weight-loss supplement, so what’s so deceptive about their
advertising (other than the obvious misnomer “Big ‘N Tasty”)?
This lawsuit is the worst example of how our society is completely devoid of the concept of
personal responsibility. The lawsuits against tobacco companies pissed me off, but I could at
least understand if someone started smoking in the forties or fifties when doctors
recommended it. But there is absolutely no way anyone can be dumb enough to think eating a
greasy ass burger, a half pound of fries, and washing it all down with a Diet Coke isn’t going to
make you bloat up like Kirstie Alley. It seems like every time someone brings something bad
upon themself, they have to go looking for a scapegoat. No one wants to raise their hand and
go, “Okay, that was my fault, I probably shouldn’t have tried to have sex with that
woodchipper. I’m not going to try to sue the manufacturer for millions of dollars that will only go
to waste on me anyway because life as a eunuch is a meaningless exercise in tedium. I
screwed up, and now, by God, I’m going to live with it.”
It’s like that jackass who got loaded at a Giants game and plowed into a minivan, turning a two-
year old girl into a paraplegic. Yes, that was an absolutely horrible tragedy (other than the fact
that now that girl’s parents don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant; hotels that charge
by the hour aren’t usually wheelchair-accessible). But guess who’s responsible for it? If you
said the guy who did it, you’re right, please run for public office! Too bad little Carrie Cripple’s
parents didn’t see it that way. They decided to sue the beer distributor, the stadium authority,
the Giants, and even the NFL. People like them are the reason people like me can only buy
two beers at a time at sporting events. Fucking spoilsports.
The thing that scares me the most about all of these lawsuits is, where is it going to end? Are
bald people going to start suing their parents for passing on shitty genetic information? How
about fat people, short people, anemic people, people with sickle cell and people who suck at
sports? Where can we, as a society, draw the line when we’ve already created such a
permissive atmosphere?
I’ll tell you whose parents should be sued. The parents of those kids who are suing McDonald’
s. In some way, shape or form, those parents encouraged their kids’ filthy eating habits.
Maybe they were too busy to pack lunches and gave them five bucks to hit Mickey D’s
instead. Maybe they didn’t feel like cooking dinner, or at least heating up a Healthy Choice
frozen meal, and decided to slide through the drive-thru on their way home every night. At any
rate, someone was providing those kids with access to fast food. If anyone should be sued, it’
s that person.
But that doesn’t excuse the behavior of millions of other people who try to blame others for
their own miserable conditions. Guess what? McDonald’s sells a product that you don’t have
to buy. It is your decision to waddle your ass into their restaurant and order half the crap on
the dollar menu. Ronald McDonald is not lurking in the shadows, ready to stick a feeding tube
down your throat in order to swell your gut and clog your arteries. Mayor McCheese did not
threaten to kill your dog unless you eat your weight in Quarter Pounders. And if you pass on
that apple pie, I promise, Grimace will not come to your house and kick your teeth in.
Ready to hear the truth behind the McDonald’s Corporation’s globe-spanning conspiracy?
They’re in this for the money. That’s it. They’re not trying to ruin lives and cause kidney
failure on a massive scale. Ray Kroc was not an evil genius bent on destroying the world or
enslaving the populace. He was just a dude trying to make a buck, and his legacy lives on at
McDonald’s today.
Eating a lot of McDonald’s food makes you fat. So don’t. Or do and be happy with yourself
the way you are. I could really care less. Just no more stupid lawsuits, okay?
who aren’t up on frivolous litigation, two pudgy little fuckers from New York are claim McDonald’
s turned them into porkers. The lawsuit was previously dismissed by U.S. District Judge
Robert Sweet, who gets my vote for Man of the Year. Unfortunately, the two fatties refused to
give up. If only they’d apply their resolve to ridding themselves of their man-titties instead of
trying to get someone else to take the blame for them. But that would be too much to ask.
They appealed Judge Sweet’s decision, and now the portion of the lawsuit regarding
deceptive advertising has been reinstated.
Seriously, I fail to see how McDonald’s advertising campaigns are deceptive. Sure, they show
people actually enjoying their food, which doesn’t happen in real life (caveat: their steak, egg,
and cheese bagel, also known as the Hangover Cure of the Gods), and the people in the
commercials aren’t blubbery Rascal pilots. But it’s not like they show a fat dude downing a Big
Mac and all of a sudden he’s ripped and surrounded by chicks in bikinis. They’re not
marketing the Big ‘N Tasty as a weight-loss supplement, so what’s so deceptive about their
advertising (other than the obvious misnomer “Big ‘N Tasty”)?
This lawsuit is the worst example of how our society is completely devoid of the concept of
personal responsibility. The lawsuits against tobacco companies pissed me off, but I could at
least understand if someone started smoking in the forties or fifties when doctors
recommended it. But there is absolutely no way anyone can be dumb enough to think eating a
greasy ass burger, a half pound of fries, and washing it all down with a Diet Coke isn’t going to
make you bloat up like Kirstie Alley. It seems like every time someone brings something bad
upon themself, they have to go looking for a scapegoat. No one wants to raise their hand and
go, “Okay, that was my fault, I probably shouldn’t have tried to have sex with that
woodchipper. I’m not going to try to sue the manufacturer for millions of dollars that will only go
to waste on me anyway because life as a eunuch is a meaningless exercise in tedium. I
screwed up, and now, by God, I’m going to live with it.”
It’s like that jackass who got loaded at a Giants game and plowed into a minivan, turning a two-
year old girl into a paraplegic. Yes, that was an absolutely horrible tragedy (other than the fact
that now that girl’s parents don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant; hotels that charge
by the hour aren’t usually wheelchair-accessible). But guess who’s responsible for it? If you
said the guy who did it, you’re right, please run for public office! Too bad little Carrie Cripple’s
parents didn’t see it that way. They decided to sue the beer distributor, the stadium authority,
the Giants, and even the NFL. People like them are the reason people like me can only buy
two beers at a time at sporting events. Fucking spoilsports.
The thing that scares me the most about all of these lawsuits is, where is it going to end? Are
bald people going to start suing their parents for passing on shitty genetic information? How
about fat people, short people, anemic people, people with sickle cell and people who suck at
sports? Where can we, as a society, draw the line when we’ve already created such a
permissive atmosphere?
I’ll tell you whose parents should be sued. The parents of those kids who are suing McDonald’
s. In some way, shape or form, those parents encouraged their kids’ filthy eating habits.
Maybe they were too busy to pack lunches and gave them five bucks to hit Mickey D’s
instead. Maybe they didn’t feel like cooking dinner, or at least heating up a Healthy Choice
frozen meal, and decided to slide through the drive-thru on their way home every night. At any
rate, someone was providing those kids with access to fast food. If anyone should be sued, it’
s that person.
But that doesn’t excuse the behavior of millions of other people who try to blame others for
their own miserable conditions. Guess what? McDonald’s sells a product that you don’t have
to buy. It is your decision to waddle your ass into their restaurant and order half the crap on
the dollar menu. Ronald McDonald is not lurking in the shadows, ready to stick a feeding tube
down your throat in order to swell your gut and clog your arteries. Mayor McCheese did not
threaten to kill your dog unless you eat your weight in Quarter Pounders. And if you pass on
that apple pie, I promise, Grimace will not come to your house and kick your teeth in.
Ready to hear the truth behind the McDonald’s Corporation’s globe-spanning conspiracy?
They’re in this for the money. That’s it. They’re not trying to ruin lives and cause kidney
failure on a massive scale. Ray Kroc was not an evil genius bent on destroying the world or
enslaving the populace. He was just a dude trying to make a buck, and his legacy lives on at
McDonald’s today.
Eating a lot of McDonald’s food makes you fat. So don’t. Or do and be happy with yourself
the way you are. I could really care less. Just no more stupid lawsuits, okay?
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
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