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| Mick Stillworth, Career Coach to the Stars - December 2004 |
Hey everybody, welcome back to my monthly column. I’m Mick Stillworth, your career coach
to the stars. Things have been looking up for old Mick lately. Last week, I found half a
sandwich behind the Blimpie! The mayonnaise hadn’t even gone south yet! It’s like my daddy
always used to say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Of course,
that’s the only thing he’d say after his Alzheimer’s set in. But enough about me, it’s time to
serve up a big old heaping plate of career coachery. Dig in, kiddies. The following celebrities
desperately need to rejuvenate their careers, before it’s too late!
Marlon Brando – Marlon Brando was quite possibly the greatest actor of his generation, but it
seems like his career has really taken a dive over the last couple of years. This guy needs to
lose at least a hundred pounds right off the bat. But he’s got bigger problems than his weight
(no pun intended). He really needs to rethink the whole being dead thing. It’s not helping his
career at all; in fact, you might say being dead is killing it! Sorry, kids, but Old Mick can’t help
himself when it comes to puns. They’re kind of like crack for me…actually, crack is
too…anybody got any crack?
to the stars. Things have been looking up for old Mick lately. Last week, I found half a
sandwich behind the Blimpie! The mayonnaise hadn’t even gone south yet! It’s like my daddy
always used to say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Of course,
that’s the only thing he’d say after his Alzheimer’s set in. But enough about me, it’s time to
serve up a big old heaping plate of career coachery. Dig in, kiddies. The following celebrities
desperately need to rejuvenate their careers, before it’s too late!
Marlon Brando – Marlon Brando was quite possibly the greatest actor of his generation, but it
seems like his career has really taken a dive over the last couple of years. This guy needs to
lose at least a hundred pounds right off the bat. But he’s got bigger problems than his weight
(no pun intended). He really needs to rethink the whole being dead thing. It’s not helping his
career at all; in fact, you might say being dead is killing it! Sorry, kids, but Old Mick can’t help
himself when it comes to puns. They’re kind of like crack for me…actually, crack is
too…anybody got any crack?
Paris Hilton – As someone who really shouldn’t be famous in the first place, Ms. Hilton is proof
positive that you can buy your way into Hollywood. Considering her complete lack of
appealing qualities, she has managed to create a nice little career for herself. But that’s all
about to change. Sure, the Simple Life 2 was a big hit, but what’s on the horizon for Ms. Hilton
besides the Simple Life 3 and the inevitable abortion or two? She’s in danger of becoming
staler than the biscuits they give out at the shelter on 3rd Street.
A few months ago, a report came out that there’s a video tape floating around where she refers
to a couple of black guys as “stupid n-words.” Personally, I think Paris should take the ball
and run with it! The Simple Life 3 could be her joining the KKK, and all the wacky hijinks that
ensue! I wouldn’t watch it because I don’t have a T.V., but I’m sure there’s lots of people who
would!
Lorenzo Lamas – Things sure have changed for Mr. Lamas. Nobody seems to care about him
at all anymore. Not like way back when Renegade was ruling the airways and I still had all of
my fingers. This guy needs to do something drastic. I suggest cannibalism. I mean, look at
Robert Blake. Don’t hear a thing from the guy for years, and all of a sudden he whacks his
wife (allegedly) and he’s all over the news. Mr. Lamas, you need to do Blake one better: kill
someone (preferably a celebrity) and then eat them. You can’t buy that kind of publicity!
positive that you can buy your way into Hollywood. Considering her complete lack of
appealing qualities, she has managed to create a nice little career for herself. But that’s all
about to change. Sure, the Simple Life 2 was a big hit, but what’s on the horizon for Ms. Hilton
besides the Simple Life 3 and the inevitable abortion or two? She’s in danger of becoming
staler than the biscuits they give out at the shelter on 3rd Street.
A few months ago, a report came out that there’s a video tape floating around where she refers
to a couple of black guys as “stupid n-words.” Personally, I think Paris should take the ball
and run with it! The Simple Life 3 could be her joining the KKK, and all the wacky hijinks that
ensue! I wouldn’t watch it because I don’t have a T.V., but I’m sure there’s lots of people who
would!
Lorenzo Lamas – Things sure have changed for Mr. Lamas. Nobody seems to care about him
at all anymore. Not like way back when Renegade was ruling the airways and I still had all of
my fingers. This guy needs to do something drastic. I suggest cannibalism. I mean, look at
Robert Blake. Don’t hear a thing from the guy for years, and all of a sudden he whacks his
wife (allegedly) and he’s all over the news. Mr. Lamas, you need to do Blake one better: kill
someone (preferably a celebrity) and then eat them. You can’t buy that kind of publicity!
| Those veins are just beggin' for some horse! |
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
Back to Salsa
Roseanne – Lorenzo, here’s your next meal. Eat up! Seriously, I have never found this
woman (and I use the term loosely) to be funny, insightful, or anything less than nauseating to
look at. I highly encourage Lorenzo Lamas to eat her, if he can do so without puking. I know I
couldn’t, but that’s why I’m a career coach and not a cannibal. Except for that one time Hairlip
Greg cut up his brother and tossed him in the stew pot, but I didn’t know!
In other news, I’ve decided to open the Mick Stillworth Academy of Career Coachery and T.V.
Repair to the public. To enroll, just send $29.95 or several packages of bologna to the
downtown Biloxi bus station, locker 27. I’ve got to go for now, but remember: pretending you
don’t have crabs won’t stop the itching. Until next time, this has been Mick Stillworth, your
career coach to the stars.
.
woman (and I use the term loosely) to be funny, insightful, or anything less than nauseating to
look at. I highly encourage Lorenzo Lamas to eat her, if he can do so without puking. I know I
couldn’t, but that’s why I’m a career coach and not a cannibal. Except for that one time Hairlip
Greg cut up his brother and tossed him in the stew pot, but I didn’t know!
In other news, I’ve decided to open the Mick Stillworth Academy of Career Coachery and T.V.
Repair to the public. To enroll, just send $29.95 or several packages of bologna to the
downtown Biloxi bus station, locker 27. I’ve got to go for now, but remember: pretending you
don’t have crabs won’t stop the itching. Until next time, this has been Mick Stillworth, your
career coach to the stars.
.
R.I.P.
Marlon Brando
Actor &
Lardass
Marlon Brando
Actor &
Lardass