 |  |  |  |
| Fucking Ancient Sumerians |
| When iPods Attack |
Before I get this started, let me make one thing clear: this is not a movie review. I am not a
movie reviewer. I like to watch movies, but purely for enjoyment (and occasionally, to learn to
love again). The movies I enjoy, oftentimes, are not well-received by critics. Case in point: the
new Blade movie.
Blade: Trinity has gotten some extremely shitty reviews. But I went to see it anyway. I knew I
could enjoy it because I lowered my expectations at the door. And for, the most part, the movie
kicked ass. The exception: product placement run amok.
Now, I know movies are expensive as hell to produce, and a good number of them can’t recoup
their costs at the box office. In order to keep all of the studio executives from having to sell
their houses and drive compact cars, movies have to bring in advertising revenue. They can’t
very well stop the movie every twelve minutes for a commercial break, so they discreetly (turn
on your sarcasm detectors, kiddies) insert products into the film. Sometimes it’s on a billboard
or a television, but more often than not the product in question is being used by a character.
For example, after being chased by zombies, the hero in a horror flick slakes his thirst with a
Coke (nevermind the fact that caffeine is a diuretic and would actually dehydrate him further, it
made more sense than anything else in 28 Days Later).
I can deal with a billboard. I can deal with a Coke, a bag of Pringles, or a box of Trojan
condoms put to good use. What I can’t deal with is when a product becomes a
characterization tool, and what I really can’t deal with is when said tool doesn’t make any
sense.
Allegedly, Jessica Biel’s character in Blade: Trinity has been hunting vampires for years. One
would presume she’s learned many lessons along the way, many of them having to do with
caution and not acting like an idiot. But no. In one of her earlier scenes, Ryan Reynolds’
character tells us that she likes to listen to songs on her iPod while she gets her stake on.
Bam, gratuitous product placement!
I’ve never worked as a vampire hunter before (couldn’t pass the drug test), but I’d imagine,
when facing off against creatures that possess powers beyond those of ordinary men, you’d
want to have all of your senses at your disposal! Here I go down the hallway, listening to
electronic music that used to be trendy and hip when the first Blade movie came out, and all of
a sudden my throat’s slit because I couldn’t hear the vampire sneaking up behind me. Fuck
me, life was so much easier on 7th Heaven.
Even more laughable was one scene towards the end of the movie. Blade and Jessica are
about to mount a rescue mission to save Ryan Reynolds (who, incidentally, is being menaced
by a vampire dog and a guy who used to call himself Hunter Hearst Helmsley) and the
requisite little girl who shouldn’t have been there in the first place (sorry to overdo the
parentheses, but New York City’s child welfare department really dropped the ball on this
one). Anybody who watches movies knows that before any rescue attempt can be made, there
needs to be a scene that shows the would-be rescuers getting ready. While really cool music
plays in the background, Blade and Jessica go through all the standard rescue attempt
procedures: loading guns, putting on body armor, squinting in a menacing fashion. We’re all
getting psyched up, the good guys are about to wreck shop. And then, we see Jessica loading
new songs onto her iPod.
This is the worst mood-killer since that time I was hooking up with a chick and she called me
by her dad’s name. The scene was so jarring, it took me a good thirty seconds to get back into
the movie. After that, I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the same. Kind of like the second time you
watch The Crying Game.
My only other problem with the movie was Dracula. Not with the way they portrayed him
(although changing his place of origin from Transylvania to ancient Sumeria struck me as kind
of unnecessary), but with the guy they got to play him. He doesn’t look like much of a vampire
to begin with, but after watching him play a thinly veiled Rocco DiSpirito on Fox’s North Shore,
it was pretty much impossible to take him seriously as Supreme Lord of the Undead.
Other than the iPod thing, the movie was pretty good. The Blade movies have done a lot to
break down traditional horror movie stereotypes (for example, the black guy doesn’t die first in
this one), and so for that I salute them. This final installment does a decent job of carrying on
the fine tradition established by the first movie. It wasn’t Blade 2, but then again, what is? A
director can only do so much without Norman Reedus. God bless that guy.
movie reviewer. I like to watch movies, but purely for enjoyment (and occasionally, to learn to
love again). The movies I enjoy, oftentimes, are not well-received by critics. Case in point: the
new Blade movie.
Blade: Trinity has gotten some extremely shitty reviews. But I went to see it anyway. I knew I
could enjoy it because I lowered my expectations at the door. And for, the most part, the movie
kicked ass. The exception: product placement run amok.
Now, I know movies are expensive as hell to produce, and a good number of them can’t recoup
their costs at the box office. In order to keep all of the studio executives from having to sell
their houses and drive compact cars, movies have to bring in advertising revenue. They can’t
very well stop the movie every twelve minutes for a commercial break, so they discreetly (turn
on your sarcasm detectors, kiddies) insert products into the film. Sometimes it’s on a billboard
or a television, but more often than not the product in question is being used by a character.
For example, after being chased by zombies, the hero in a horror flick slakes his thirst with a
Coke (nevermind the fact that caffeine is a diuretic and would actually dehydrate him further, it
made more sense than anything else in 28 Days Later).
I can deal with a billboard. I can deal with a Coke, a bag of Pringles, or a box of Trojan
condoms put to good use. What I can’t deal with is when a product becomes a
characterization tool, and what I really can’t deal with is when said tool doesn’t make any
sense.
Allegedly, Jessica Biel’s character in Blade: Trinity has been hunting vampires for years. One
would presume she’s learned many lessons along the way, many of them having to do with
caution and not acting like an idiot. But no. In one of her earlier scenes, Ryan Reynolds’
character tells us that she likes to listen to songs on her iPod while she gets her stake on.
Bam, gratuitous product placement!
I’ve never worked as a vampire hunter before (couldn’t pass the drug test), but I’d imagine,
when facing off against creatures that possess powers beyond those of ordinary men, you’d
want to have all of your senses at your disposal! Here I go down the hallway, listening to
electronic music that used to be trendy and hip when the first Blade movie came out, and all of
a sudden my throat’s slit because I couldn’t hear the vampire sneaking up behind me. Fuck
me, life was so much easier on 7th Heaven.
Even more laughable was one scene towards the end of the movie. Blade and Jessica are
about to mount a rescue mission to save Ryan Reynolds (who, incidentally, is being menaced
by a vampire dog and a guy who used to call himself Hunter Hearst Helmsley) and the
requisite little girl who shouldn’t have been there in the first place (sorry to overdo the
parentheses, but New York City’s child welfare department really dropped the ball on this
one). Anybody who watches movies knows that before any rescue attempt can be made, there
needs to be a scene that shows the would-be rescuers getting ready. While really cool music
plays in the background, Blade and Jessica go through all the standard rescue attempt
procedures: loading guns, putting on body armor, squinting in a menacing fashion. We’re all
getting psyched up, the good guys are about to wreck shop. And then, we see Jessica loading
new songs onto her iPod.
This is the worst mood-killer since that time I was hooking up with a chick and she called me
by her dad’s name. The scene was so jarring, it took me a good thirty seconds to get back into
the movie. After that, I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the same. Kind of like the second time you
watch The Crying Game.
My only other problem with the movie was Dracula. Not with the way they portrayed him
(although changing his place of origin from Transylvania to ancient Sumeria struck me as kind
of unnecessary), but with the guy they got to play him. He doesn’t look like much of a vampire
to begin with, but after watching him play a thinly veiled Rocco DiSpirito on Fox’s North Shore,
it was pretty much impossible to take him seriously as Supreme Lord of the Undead.
Other than the iPod thing, the movie was pretty good. The Blade movies have done a lot to
break down traditional horror movie stereotypes (for example, the black guy doesn’t die first in
this one), and so for that I salute them. This final installment does a decent job of carrying on
the fine tradition established by the first movie. It wasn’t Blade 2, but then again, what is? A
director can only do so much without Norman Reedus. God bless that guy.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
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