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I read on CNN.com today that a group called WATCH (World Against Toys Causing
Harm) just issued their annual list of the top ten most dangerous toys of 2004. This
irritates me on several different levels. First off, that’s a pretty stupid and unwieldy
name. It’s almost like they decided to call themselves WATCH first and then fleshed
out the acronym. They should have picked a name that makes sense, like “People
Against Dangerous Toys,” acronyms be damned.
Nomenclature issues aside, the very nature of WATCH pisses me off. I’ve never met
any of these people, but the fact that they’d willingly devote their time to figuring out
what the most dangerous toys are tells me all I need to know. These people are the
worst breed of spoilsports. The kind of people who’d report you if they saw you
eating a candy bar on the subway, the kind of people who turn in their neighbors for
stealing cable, the kind of people who enjoy sex with animals. Hopeless, stick-up-the-
ass bastards. I can’t stand people like that. What they do is a waste of time
anyway. Why do we want to keep kids safe? If we baby the entire generation, they’
re just going to grow up to be huge wusses. I say let kids have dangerous toys and
let natural selection do its job.
But do your kids a favor and find them some different dangerous toys. The ones on
this list, for the most part, suck ass. There are a few gems, though, so keep
reading.
First up on the list is the Pocket Rocket Miniature Motorcycle. Motorcycles are cool,
especially when they’re speeding in between gridlocked cars and you open your
door. But what’s the deal with the name? I mean, “Pocket Rocket?” Sounds more
like something that belongs in the adult toy store, if you know what I mean (and if you
don’t, you should probably call your grandma and ask her what a vibrator is. If your
grandma’s dead, any old lady at your church will do). Who makes this thing anyway,
NAMBLA?
Following Baby’s First Sex Toy is something called the Megabuster Battle Weapon.
This toy actually sounds pretty bad ass. I don’t know why this would make it on a list
of the most dangerous toys of the year unless it actually worked. If that’s the case, I
want one.
Next we have something called Police Car Building Blocks. Huh? I don’t know what
the hell this is, I was going to look it up on the net but then I realized I’d have to poke
my eyes out if I actually saw something this stupid. Is it a police car, or is it building
blocks? This reminds me of one of those weird products that shouldn’t exist, like
veggie burgers.
The next toy on the list is something called Dress Me Paz. I don’t even want to
speculate, but I'm sure it sucks.
Finally, we get to my favorite toy on the list: Fun Slides Carpet Skates. This is the
best combination of two products since toasters met bathtubs. I think every parent
should be required by law to buy these for their kids. Just the name brings a smile to
my face, as I picture millions upon millions of children skating headfirst into the wall on
Christmas morning. What a world that would be. I think this gift would work best,
though, when combined with another toy from WATCH’s list: the 38” Playtime
Trampoline.
The rest of the list is filled with craptastic junk like Happy Birthday Bear (God, I hope
it’s on there because of sharp edges) and Parents Magazine Mirror Pound-A-Ball
(what a delicious bit of irony that Parents Magazine would produce one of the most
dangerous toys of the year). What the hell is a “Mirror Pound-A-Ball” anyway? Are
toy designers just stringing random words together when they name their products
nowadays?
We didn’t have crap like this when I was a kid. We had awesome toys like G.I. Joes,
Thundercats, and marijuana. If you love your kids (haha – you love kids, you fucking
pedophile), get them cool presents this holiday season like the above-mentioned Fun
Slides Carpet Skates. Just don’t forget to line the walls of your living room with
spikes. Oh yeah, and you might want to put a tarp down.
Harm) just issued their annual list of the top ten most dangerous toys of 2004. This
irritates me on several different levels. First off, that’s a pretty stupid and unwieldy
name. It’s almost like they decided to call themselves WATCH first and then fleshed
out the acronym. They should have picked a name that makes sense, like “People
Against Dangerous Toys,” acronyms be damned.
Nomenclature issues aside, the very nature of WATCH pisses me off. I’ve never met
any of these people, but the fact that they’d willingly devote their time to figuring out
what the most dangerous toys are tells me all I need to know. These people are the
worst breed of spoilsports. The kind of people who’d report you if they saw you
eating a candy bar on the subway, the kind of people who turn in their neighbors for
stealing cable, the kind of people who enjoy sex with animals. Hopeless, stick-up-the-
ass bastards. I can’t stand people like that. What they do is a waste of time
anyway. Why do we want to keep kids safe? If we baby the entire generation, they’
re just going to grow up to be huge wusses. I say let kids have dangerous toys and
let natural selection do its job.
But do your kids a favor and find them some different dangerous toys. The ones on
this list, for the most part, suck ass. There are a few gems, though, so keep
reading.
First up on the list is the Pocket Rocket Miniature Motorcycle. Motorcycles are cool,
especially when they’re speeding in between gridlocked cars and you open your
door. But what’s the deal with the name? I mean, “Pocket Rocket?” Sounds more
like something that belongs in the adult toy store, if you know what I mean (and if you
don’t, you should probably call your grandma and ask her what a vibrator is. If your
grandma’s dead, any old lady at your church will do). Who makes this thing anyway,
NAMBLA?
Following Baby’s First Sex Toy is something called the Megabuster Battle Weapon.
This toy actually sounds pretty bad ass. I don’t know why this would make it on a list
of the most dangerous toys of the year unless it actually worked. If that’s the case, I
want one.
Next we have something called Police Car Building Blocks. Huh? I don’t know what
the hell this is, I was going to look it up on the net but then I realized I’d have to poke
my eyes out if I actually saw something this stupid. Is it a police car, or is it building
blocks? This reminds me of one of those weird products that shouldn’t exist, like
veggie burgers.
The next toy on the list is something called Dress Me Paz. I don’t even want to
speculate, but I'm sure it sucks.
Finally, we get to my favorite toy on the list: Fun Slides Carpet Skates. This is the
best combination of two products since toasters met bathtubs. I think every parent
should be required by law to buy these for their kids. Just the name brings a smile to
my face, as I picture millions upon millions of children skating headfirst into the wall on
Christmas morning. What a world that would be. I think this gift would work best,
though, when combined with another toy from WATCH’s list: the 38” Playtime
Trampoline.
The rest of the list is filled with craptastic junk like Happy Birthday Bear (God, I hope
it’s on there because of sharp edges) and Parents Magazine Mirror Pound-A-Ball
(what a delicious bit of irony that Parents Magazine would produce one of the most
dangerous toys of the year). What the hell is a “Mirror Pound-A-Ball” anyway? Are
toy designers just stringing random words together when they name their products
nowadays?
We didn’t have crap like this when I was a kid. We had awesome toys like G.I. Joes,
Thundercats, and marijuana. If you love your kids (haha – you love kids, you fucking
pedophile), get them cool presents this holiday season like the above-mentioned Fun
Slides Carpet Skates. Just don’t forget to line the walls of your living room with
spikes. Oh yeah, and you might want to put a tarp down.
Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Or, just head back to Salsa
Or, just head back to Salsa