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| Cockfighting Is For Pussies |
I don’t understand cockfighting. Maybe it makes me less of a man, but I really don’t
see the appeal in watching two roosters whup the shit out of each other. Same goes
for dogfights, boxing and the WWE. Not that I’m against savagery and bloodshed. I
just find those particular “sports” boring as hell. When it comes down to it, there’s
only one ring-based event that I can watch over and over again and never start to
wonder how much of myself I could eat before I died: Tree-Fighting.
see the appeal in watching two roosters whup the shit out of each other. Same goes
for dogfights, boxing and the WWE. Not that I’m against savagery and bloodshed. I
just find those particular “sports” boring as hell. When it comes down to it, there’s
only one ring-based event that I can watch over and over again and never start to
wonder how much of myself I could eat before I died: Tree-Fighting.
| Me on vacation at Yellowstone National Park |
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Feel slightly aroused? Then head back to Salsa
That’s right, Tree-Fighting. I invented Tree-Fighting myself, many, many years ago.
I got the idea on standardized-testing day when I was in the third grade. My teacher
told us all to take out number 2 pencils. But back then, we were really poor and my
Mom bought all my school supplies from a male prostitute who used to hang behind
the Arby’s over on Route 1, so I didn’t have any number 2 pencils. Mine were number
.7’s. When the teacher refused to let me borrow a no. 2 pencil from one of my more
well-heeled classmates, I jumped on top of my desk and angrily snapped my piece-of-
crap pencil in two. Then I ate it, because we were also too poor to afford fiber.
Suddenly I thought to myself, hey, maybe I can do this professionally. And so I did,
quickly becoming the world’s foremost and only Tree-Fighter.
I’ve fought lots of different trees over the years. Back when I was just starting out, I
used to beat the crap out of my neighbor’s bonsai trees on a regular basis. Once I
toughened up my knuckles and packed on the muscle, I progressed to younger, soft-
wooded trees. During a brief period of my teen years, I got into fighting bushes for
awhile, but it wasn’t the same. Plus, some bushes have thorns and contrary to what
the people who have that weird disease where they can’t feel pain told me, thorns
hurt. I swore an oath to myself that I would never practice Shrub-Fu ever again, and
restrict my acts of violence against the plant world to trees and trees alone.
Although it’s popularity has tapered off in recent years, Tree-Fighting was really huge
back in the nineties. It all started when my video game Tree-Fighter II hit the
arcades. Okay, so I just painted over the “s” and second “t” of a Street Fighter II
machine, but shut up (okay, so I only painted over the “s” before the guy with the
change belt chased me out. I’m a pathological liar, what the hell do you want from
me?). After that took off, I recorded a cover of the Rolling Stones “Street Fighting
Man,” called “Tree Fighting Man.” It didn’t get much or any radio play, but one time I
used a movie projector to play the video on my T.V. while the channel was set on
MTV, so I guess that counts. And if it doesn’t, I will kick the shit out of all of the trees
in your yard and turn them into ships in bottles.
Things have been pretty quiet in the world of Tree-Fighting over the past few years,
but that’s about to change. Now that I have this website, I’ll be able to promote the
most awesome sport in the world much more effectively. I also have some ideas on
how to take Tree-Fighting to the next level. I’m going to start fighting celebrity trees,
like that tree that the Keebler Elves live in. After I pull it up by the roots and snap its
trunk over my knee, I’m going to plunder the shit out of their cookie stash. Next up, it’
s off to the desert to take on the Joshua Tree. I’m going to hire a professional
photographer to take pictures of me beating it’s ass, and then I’m going to mail copies
of the pictures to Bono. That oughta take some wind out of his sails.
Finally, for the main event, the Super Bowl of Tree-Fighting, if you will, I’m going to
fight the Tree People from the Lord of the Rings movies. It’ll be a tough battle, I’m
sure, but at the end of the day you know who’s going to come out on top. Granted,
the Ents aren’t going to be like the other trees I’ve wailed on in the past, since they
actually move around and throw rocks and stuff, but that is not going to stop me.
Once I’m done, I’m going to turn them into a huge ass throne that I can sit on and
cackle maniacally whilst overseeing my massive Tree-Fighting empire. Soon, Tree-
Fighting will take its place as the greatest and manliest of all sports, and all those
guys who like cockfighting or bullfighting or the UFC will be sticking their heads in the
oven. People will stop fighting amongst themselves and come together to fight trees.
Every Arbor Day, I’ll take a group of my friends to a different national park so we can
spend the day kicking the shit out of trees together. The trees of the Earth will
tremble every time my name is spoken…damn, I gotta go. I think that spruce over
there is talking shit. It’s go time!
I got the idea on standardized-testing day when I was in the third grade. My teacher
told us all to take out number 2 pencils. But back then, we were really poor and my
Mom bought all my school supplies from a male prostitute who used to hang behind
the Arby’s over on Route 1, so I didn’t have any number 2 pencils. Mine were number
.7’s. When the teacher refused to let me borrow a no. 2 pencil from one of my more
well-heeled classmates, I jumped on top of my desk and angrily snapped my piece-of-
crap pencil in two. Then I ate it, because we were also too poor to afford fiber.
Suddenly I thought to myself, hey, maybe I can do this professionally. And so I did,
quickly becoming the world’s foremost and only Tree-Fighter.
I’ve fought lots of different trees over the years. Back when I was just starting out, I
used to beat the crap out of my neighbor’s bonsai trees on a regular basis. Once I
toughened up my knuckles and packed on the muscle, I progressed to younger, soft-
wooded trees. During a brief period of my teen years, I got into fighting bushes for
awhile, but it wasn’t the same. Plus, some bushes have thorns and contrary to what
the people who have that weird disease where they can’t feel pain told me, thorns
hurt. I swore an oath to myself that I would never practice Shrub-Fu ever again, and
restrict my acts of violence against the plant world to trees and trees alone.
Although it’s popularity has tapered off in recent years, Tree-Fighting was really huge
back in the nineties. It all started when my video game Tree-Fighter II hit the
arcades. Okay, so I just painted over the “s” and second “t” of a Street Fighter II
machine, but shut up (okay, so I only painted over the “s” before the guy with the
change belt chased me out. I’m a pathological liar, what the hell do you want from
me?). After that took off, I recorded a cover of the Rolling Stones “Street Fighting
Man,” called “Tree Fighting Man.” It didn’t get much or any radio play, but one time I
used a movie projector to play the video on my T.V. while the channel was set on
MTV, so I guess that counts. And if it doesn’t, I will kick the shit out of all of the trees
in your yard and turn them into ships in bottles.
Things have been pretty quiet in the world of Tree-Fighting over the past few years,
but that’s about to change. Now that I have this website, I’ll be able to promote the
most awesome sport in the world much more effectively. I also have some ideas on
how to take Tree-Fighting to the next level. I’m going to start fighting celebrity trees,
like that tree that the Keebler Elves live in. After I pull it up by the roots and snap its
trunk over my knee, I’m going to plunder the shit out of their cookie stash. Next up, it’
s off to the desert to take on the Joshua Tree. I’m going to hire a professional
photographer to take pictures of me beating it’s ass, and then I’m going to mail copies
of the pictures to Bono. That oughta take some wind out of his sails.
Finally, for the main event, the Super Bowl of Tree-Fighting, if you will, I’m going to
fight the Tree People from the Lord of the Rings movies. It’ll be a tough battle, I’m
sure, but at the end of the day you know who’s going to come out on top. Granted,
the Ents aren’t going to be like the other trees I’ve wailed on in the past, since they
actually move around and throw rocks and stuff, but that is not going to stop me.
Once I’m done, I’m going to turn them into a huge ass throne that I can sit on and
cackle maniacally whilst overseeing my massive Tree-Fighting empire. Soon, Tree-
Fighting will take its place as the greatest and manliest of all sports, and all those
guys who like cockfighting or bullfighting or the UFC will be sticking their heads in the
oven. People will stop fighting amongst themselves and come together to fight trees.
Every Arbor Day, I’ll take a group of my friends to a different national park so we can
spend the day kicking the shit out of trees together. The trees of the Earth will
tremble every time my name is spoken…damn, I gotta go. I think that spruce over
there is talking shit. It’s go time!