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| Don't Call It A Comeback |
| Headgear in disguise |
Comments? Email me at JimiChanga@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
Man, I cannot wait for trucker hats to be in again. Why? Well, I do enjoy the open road, but to
be honest with you, I love mesh. It’s just so neat. Plus, I like how when it rains, little raindrops
of happiness leak through the mesh and tap me on the back of the head. It’s so refreshing.
So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to bring back the trucker hat. Don’t worry, I have a
plan. And what a plan it is. For real, this is like the Cadillac of plans: not quite European
quality, but respectable enough.
The first thing I’m going to do is bide my time. Everything that used to be cool eventually
becomes cool again (except you. Tool). So I’m going to play the waiting game. You should,
too. I got it at Wal Mart for $8.99 and can I just say it kicks ass? Okay, I lied, I didn’t get it at
Wal Mart. I made it out of some tin foil, PVC pipe and my neighbor’s cat. The object of the
game is to figure out a way to explain to your neighbor what exactly happened to his cat, and
why he shouldn’t have you arrested. It’s a pretty sweet game.
So, I figure I lay low and play games for about fifteen years. By that time, Kevin Federline
should either be dead or in prison and it’ll be safe for my trucker hat to come out of hiding.
Also, the first N.E.R.D. reunion tour will be kicking off around that time. The trucker hat craze
will re-sweep the nation, like that time my mom made me re-sweep the kitchen floor because
the first time I did it I was eating cookies. Damn, but I love cookies. One time I even dated a
girl named Cookie. Okay, I lied, he was a prostitute. But in my defense, I didn’t notice the
Adam’s apple until it was too late. Stop looking at me like that.
Once I had my basic plan to bring back the trucker hat figured out, I started doing research,
running numbers, and stealing my grandma’s prescriptions (I wanted to sell her pills to finance
the revolution, but instead I took a bunch and had to get my stomach pumped). Here’s where
my plan becomes ingenious: according to my calculations, conditions will be just right for the
trucker hat to retake it’s spot as the grooviest of dome pieces on July 17, 2020. When July 17
rolls around, I’ll be ready and waiting.
Of course, I can’t be seen wearing a trucker hat before then, because people will think I’m a
dumbass. But fedoras are classic. They've always been cool and always will be, unless
Osama starts sporting one. So I’m going to contract Optimus Prime or possibly Starscream to
design me a transforming hat. That’s right, a fedora that turns into…a trucker hat (with lasers.
Gotta have lasers)!
be honest with you, I love mesh. It’s just so neat. Plus, I like how when it rains, little raindrops
of happiness leak through the mesh and tap me on the back of the head. It’s so refreshing.
So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to bring back the trucker hat. Don’t worry, I have a
plan. And what a plan it is. For real, this is like the Cadillac of plans: not quite European
quality, but respectable enough.
The first thing I’m going to do is bide my time. Everything that used to be cool eventually
becomes cool again (except you. Tool). So I’m going to play the waiting game. You should,
too. I got it at Wal Mart for $8.99 and can I just say it kicks ass? Okay, I lied, I didn’t get it at
Wal Mart. I made it out of some tin foil, PVC pipe and my neighbor’s cat. The object of the
game is to figure out a way to explain to your neighbor what exactly happened to his cat, and
why he shouldn’t have you arrested. It’s a pretty sweet game.
So, I figure I lay low and play games for about fifteen years. By that time, Kevin Federline
should either be dead or in prison and it’ll be safe for my trucker hat to come out of hiding.
Also, the first N.E.R.D. reunion tour will be kicking off around that time. The trucker hat craze
will re-sweep the nation, like that time my mom made me re-sweep the kitchen floor because
the first time I did it I was eating cookies. Damn, but I love cookies. One time I even dated a
girl named Cookie. Okay, I lied, he was a prostitute. But in my defense, I didn’t notice the
Adam’s apple until it was too late. Stop looking at me like that.
Once I had my basic plan to bring back the trucker hat figured out, I started doing research,
running numbers, and stealing my grandma’s prescriptions (I wanted to sell her pills to finance
the revolution, but instead I took a bunch and had to get my stomach pumped). Here’s where
my plan becomes ingenious: according to my calculations, conditions will be just right for the
trucker hat to retake it’s spot as the grooviest of dome pieces on July 17, 2020. When July 17
rolls around, I’ll be ready and waiting.
Of course, I can’t be seen wearing a trucker hat before then, because people will think I’m a
dumbass. But fedoras are classic. They've always been cool and always will be, unless
Osama starts sporting one. So I’m going to contract Optimus Prime or possibly Starscream to
design me a transforming hat. That’s right, a fedora that turns into…a trucker hat (with lasers.
Gotta have lasers)!
One minute I’ll look like Indiana Jones, the next I’ll look like an indie movie director. Or Ashton
Kutcher, who should be experiencing a major resurgence in popularity around that time due to
the “That ‘70s Show” movie starring Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning as Eric and
Donna. Don’t worry, I’m sure the original cast will all make cameos (except Wilmer
Valderrama, who died of venereal disease in 2013. Also, I feel fairly certain Danny Masterson
will have no legs, although I'm not sure why).
But seriously, once my robotic fedora transforms into a trucker hat, I’ll have the whole world
eating out of the palm of my hand. People will marvel at how hip and edgy I am. Rivers will
stop flowing so that every water molecule can stop and see what a guy with a really cool hat
looks like. The sun will sink into depression and start drinking heavily, knowing it’s rays can’t
penetrate the brim of my transforming trucker hat. Everyone over the age of sixty will shit their
pants simultaneously. And then, when the sun has fled from the sky and the air reeks of old
people crap, I’ll be crowned Supreme Fashionista of the Universe. Uh…I mean,
FOOTBAAAAAAALL! FOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAALL! Phew. That was a close one.
Kutcher, who should be experiencing a major resurgence in popularity around that time due to
the “That ‘70s Show” movie starring Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning as Eric and
Donna. Don’t worry, I’m sure the original cast will all make cameos (except Wilmer
Valderrama, who died of venereal disease in 2013. Also, I feel fairly certain Danny Masterson
will have no legs, although I'm not sure why).
But seriously, once my robotic fedora transforms into a trucker hat, I’ll have the whole world
eating out of the palm of my hand. People will marvel at how hip and edgy I am. Rivers will
stop flowing so that every water molecule can stop and see what a guy with a really cool hat
looks like. The sun will sink into depression and start drinking heavily, knowing it’s rays can’t
penetrate the brim of my transforming trucker hat. Everyone over the age of sixty will shit their
pants simultaneously. And then, when the sun has fled from the sky and the air reeks of old
people crap, I’ll be crowned Supreme Fashionista of the Universe. Uh…I mean,
FOOTBAAAAAAALL! FOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAALL! Phew. That was a close one.