 |  |  |  |
| Get Yer Freak On! |
| Seeing John Malkovich. |
B. Pop your collar. The person you’re talking to will get the urge to tell you to turn it down, but
most people don’t have the balls to follow through and let you know how stupid you look. The
entire time you’re standing there, staring at their hairline, they’ll feel conflicted and just want
the conversation to be over.
C. Whenever someone says, “see you later,” always reply “not if I see you first.”
D. Crack your knuckles repeatedly. Then attempt to crack theirs (note: skip this one if talking
to police officers, professional kickboxers, or cellmates).
E. Stop showering. If you’ve already taken my advice and stopped paying your bills, move on
to the next step. If not, then why aren’t you listening to me? I’m wicked smart. I won first prize
in my third grade science fair. Did you? No? That’s what I thought. Now stop paying those
bills.
F. Whenever someone says anything to you, always begin your response with, “I can tell
when someone’s lying to me.” Then proceed as normal.
G. Wear a dog collar, with leash attached. Ask strangers if they will walk you. Should they
agree, be sure to bark at other dogs, sniff everything, and do your business on the sidewalk. If
they fail to clean up after you, report them to the authorities.
most people don’t have the balls to follow through and let you know how stupid you look. The
entire time you’re standing there, staring at their hairline, they’ll feel conflicted and just want
the conversation to be over.
C. Whenever someone says, “see you later,” always reply “not if I see you first.”
D. Crack your knuckles repeatedly. Then attempt to crack theirs (note: skip this one if talking
to police officers, professional kickboxers, or cellmates).
E. Stop showering. If you’ve already taken my advice and stopped paying your bills, move on
to the next step. If not, then why aren’t you listening to me? I’m wicked smart. I won first prize
in my third grade science fair. Did you? No? That’s what I thought. Now stop paying those
bills.
F. Whenever someone says anything to you, always begin your response with, “I can tell
when someone’s lying to me.” Then proceed as normal.
G. Wear a dog collar, with leash attached. Ask strangers if they will walk you. Should they
agree, be sure to bark at other dogs, sniff everything, and do your business on the sidewalk. If
they fail to clean up after you, report them to the authorities.
H. Humans spend inordinate amounts of time swallowing. Imagine all of the free time you’ll
have if you stop. That’s right, stop wasting your life and start drooling! As a bonus to the time
you’ll save, most people will assume you’ve had a lobotomy or are fantasizing about giving
them one and won’t give you the time of day.
I. Don’t wear clothes. Wear condiments. Ask strangers if they need ketchup. Be sure to
charge a fee. Ketchup doesn't grow on trees, you know. Believe me, I tried.
J. Always hold conversations with two people at the same time. At least one of these people
should be invisible. Suggested topics: your favorite swear words, how everyone’s out to get
you, the Bible, and things that sound like words but aren’t.
K. Become one of the following: an acid abuser, a Hare Krishna, or a Japanese animation
fan. No one who isn’t into those things will be able to hold a conversation with you. You’ll only
have to avoid your fellow burnouts, religious zealots, and Japanime nerds, which shouldn’t be
too hard. Those types tend to move in fairly narrow orbits. Just avoid drum circles, airports,
and the Internet and you should be okay.
have if you stop. That’s right, stop wasting your life and start drooling! As a bonus to the time
you’ll save, most people will assume you’ve had a lobotomy or are fantasizing about giving
them one and won’t give you the time of day.
I. Don’t wear clothes. Wear condiments. Ask strangers if they need ketchup. Be sure to
charge a fee. Ketchup doesn't grow on trees, you know. Believe me, I tried.
J. Always hold conversations with two people at the same time. At least one of these people
should be invisible. Suggested topics: your favorite swear words, how everyone’s out to get
you, the Bible, and things that sound like words but aren’t.
K. Become one of the following: an acid abuser, a Hare Krishna, or a Japanese animation
fan. No one who isn’t into those things will be able to hold a conversation with you. You’ll only
have to avoid your fellow burnouts, religious zealots, and Japanime nerds, which shouldn’t be
too hard. Those types tend to move in fairly narrow orbits. Just avoid drum circles, airports,
and the Internet and you should be okay.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
Back to Salsa
We, as a society, spend way too much time worrying that other people are going to think we’re
freaks. Thing is, no matter what you do, other people are probably going to label you as a
weirdo. I say, why bother trying to fake it? Let’s go all out and make other people as
uncomfortable as possible. That way, we’ll have much more time to spend on the things that
really matter, like drugs. Here are some tips to help you drive away those time burglars.
A. When speaking to someone, stare directly at their hairline. Do not look them in the eye, do
not look at their chest. Focus on the hairline. If they’re balding significantly, feel free to stand
on a chair.
