 |  |  |  |
| Not Cool, Unicef, Not Cool |
| For just the cost of a cup of coffee each day, you can protect me from Unicef [photo courtesy of unicef.org] |
Man, I remember back in the day when Unicef was cool. It had a badass leather jacket and
the best hair in the tenth grade. One time, I got to ride on its moped. That was cool.
Everybody totally wanted to be me for, like, three minutes. Easily the best moment of my life.
Even better than that time I lost my virginity at Disney World to Keira Knightley while Bo
Jackson videotaped (Bo knows pornography!)
But now, I can’t believe I ever looked up to that sick bastard Unicef. The other day I was
driving down the street like the pimp I am (disclaimer: I have never actually received money for
procuring carnal services for others, please do not arrest me. My friends tell me I wouldn’t do
well in prison) and listening to the radio when I heard the new Unicef commercial.
My jaw dropped to the point where it hit me in the crotch. I briefly lost control of my car and
almost sideswiped a Scion (which would have been an improvement to that car’s design). I
could not believe what I’d heard. To think that Unicef would say something that heinous, that
insensitive, was unthinkable. I chalked the incident up to excessive earwax buildup and
continued on to CVS to pick up some Q-Tips.
While standing in line, sandwiched in between an old lady buying cat food, a forty-five year old
virgin wearing a Quantum Leap t-shirt and several other stereotypes, I heard the commercial
again. This time, I knew my ears weren’t deceiving me. It had to be true. I calmly reached into
the old lady’s bag of cat food, shoved a handful down the front of my pants, and walked out of
the store, still clutching my package of unpaid-for Q-Tips. The manager ran after me, but I
guess he thought twice about messing with a guy with a handful of cat food down his pants.
Ignoring my car, a much more expeditious mode of transportation than my feet, I set off in
search of Unicef headquarters. The fate of southeast Asia rested squarely on my shoulders. It
was time to step up to the plate.
The whole time, the commercial I’d heard reverberated in my head. I don’t want to repeat its
vile words, but no one will understand me if I don’t. The commercial made reference to the
recent tsunami disaster, and then threatened to hit Asia with another tsunami. There’s an off
chance they might have said “tsunami of hope,” but still, I really don’t think those people can
take another tsunami of ANY kind. Come on, Unicef, don’t you think those people have been
through enough? Millions of people are suffering and you have the stones to THREATEN
them? Absolutely disgusting.
I really can’t believe how you’ve changed, Unicef. You used to be about the love. Now you’re
just another hater. And after everything we’ve been through! Remember that time Coach
pulled you out of the big game, just because he was mad that his son threw like an aardvark (i.
e. not at all) and you had a cannon and a half? I helped you egg the shit out of his house!
And, after things got WAY out of control, who helped you hide the bodies? Me, that’s who! I’
ve always been there for you when you needed me. You had no right to let me down like this!
All those times I defended you. Whenever the Salvation Army used to flash gang signs and dis
you, I let those suckas know what was up. And that time the Red Cross told everyone you had
herpes? I made sure the whole school knew it was a lie. I always had your back, but I guess it
was too much to ask you to get mine. I thought you were different, but you’re just like
everybody else. Congratulations, how does it feel to be my ex-friend?
[In all seriousness, Unicef is a wonderful charity. I've been thinking about donating some cash towards
tsunami relief and I suggest you do the same]
the best hair in the tenth grade. One time, I got to ride on its moped. That was cool.
Everybody totally wanted to be me for, like, three minutes. Easily the best moment of my life.
Even better than that time I lost my virginity at Disney World to Keira Knightley while Bo
Jackson videotaped (Bo knows pornography!)
But now, I can’t believe I ever looked up to that sick bastard Unicef. The other day I was
driving down the street like the pimp I am (disclaimer: I have never actually received money for
procuring carnal services for others, please do not arrest me. My friends tell me I wouldn’t do
well in prison) and listening to the radio when I heard the new Unicef commercial.
My jaw dropped to the point where it hit me in the crotch. I briefly lost control of my car and
almost sideswiped a Scion (which would have been an improvement to that car’s design). I
could not believe what I’d heard. To think that Unicef would say something that heinous, that
insensitive, was unthinkable. I chalked the incident up to excessive earwax buildup and
continued on to CVS to pick up some Q-Tips.
While standing in line, sandwiched in between an old lady buying cat food, a forty-five year old
virgin wearing a Quantum Leap t-shirt and several other stereotypes, I heard the commercial
again. This time, I knew my ears weren’t deceiving me. It had to be true. I calmly reached into
the old lady’s bag of cat food, shoved a handful down the front of my pants, and walked out of
the store, still clutching my package of unpaid-for Q-Tips. The manager ran after me, but I
guess he thought twice about messing with a guy with a handful of cat food down his pants.
Ignoring my car, a much more expeditious mode of transportation than my feet, I set off in
search of Unicef headquarters. The fate of southeast Asia rested squarely on my shoulders. It
was time to step up to the plate.
The whole time, the commercial I’d heard reverberated in my head. I don’t want to repeat its
vile words, but no one will understand me if I don’t. The commercial made reference to the
recent tsunami disaster, and then threatened to hit Asia with another tsunami. There’s an off
chance they might have said “tsunami of hope,” but still, I really don’t think those people can
take another tsunami of ANY kind. Come on, Unicef, don’t you think those people have been
through enough? Millions of people are suffering and you have the stones to THREATEN
them? Absolutely disgusting.
I really can’t believe how you’ve changed, Unicef. You used to be about the love. Now you’re
just another hater. And after everything we’ve been through! Remember that time Coach
pulled you out of the big game, just because he was mad that his son threw like an aardvark (i.
e. not at all) and you had a cannon and a half? I helped you egg the shit out of his house!
And, after things got WAY out of control, who helped you hide the bodies? Me, that’s who! I’
ve always been there for you when you needed me. You had no right to let me down like this!
All those times I defended you. Whenever the Salvation Army used to flash gang signs and dis
you, I let those suckas know what was up. And that time the Red Cross told everyone you had
herpes? I made sure the whole school knew it was a lie. I always had your back, but I guess it
was too much to ask you to get mine. I thought you were different, but you’re just like
everybody else. Congratulations, how does it feel to be my ex-friend?
[In all seriousness, Unicef is a wonderful charity. I've been thinking about donating some cash towards
tsunami relief and I suggest you do the same]
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
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