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| Weapon of Choice |
A while back I wrote an article about how to crush your enemies, see them driven before you,
and hear the lamentations of their women. While I haven’t noticed a major upswing in enemy-
crushing in the news, I have noticed that people who do decide to crush their enemies do it in
some lame-ass ways. Most of them just pick up a gun and pull the trigger. Talk about a lack
of imagination! Plus, guns are so easy to use, they’ve taken all the skill out of enemy-
crushing. That’s why I’ve used my mad engineering skills to design a few brand new
weapons. These are deadly, efficient, but most importantly, stylish (and in some cases,
messy). So, without further ado, Surly Taco Armaments, L.L.C. presents the 2005 Collection!
First up, we have the trouser-dampening Bag of Bees. I think the name says it all. It’s a burlap
sack full of bees. Best used on people with bee allergies or phobias. Burlap sack comes in
both standard and hot pink colors. Also available with wasps. WARNING: Do not attempt to
use on beekeepers or acupuncturists.
and hear the lamentations of their women. While I haven’t noticed a major upswing in enemy-
crushing in the news, I have noticed that people who do decide to crush their enemies do it in
some lame-ass ways. Most of them just pick up a gun and pull the trigger. Talk about a lack
of imagination! Plus, guns are so easy to use, they’ve taken all the skill out of enemy-
crushing. That’s why I’ve used my mad engineering skills to design a few brand new
weapons. These are deadly, efficient, but most importantly, stylish (and in some cases,
messy). So, without further ado, Surly Taco Armaments, L.L.C. presents the 2005 Collection!
First up, we have the trouser-dampening Bag of Bees. I think the name says it all. It’s a burlap
sack full of bees. Best used on people with bee allergies or phobias. Burlap sack comes in
both standard and hot pink colors. Also available with wasps. WARNING: Do not attempt to
use on beekeepers or acupuncturists.
Next, we have The Hands of Agony. What is the most excruciating pain you’ve ever felt in
your life (besides that time your mom told you she didn’t love you)? If you said a paper cut,
you’re right and live an extremely boring life. The Hands of Agony are gloves equipped with
tiny pieces of paper at the end of every finger, so you can give your victim massive amounts of
paper cuts. Perfect for use on co-workers, clergymen and Girl Scouts.
Maybe you don’t want to get your hands dirty. That’s okay, because Surly Taco Armaments, L.
L.C. has you covered. With the Heat-Seeking Anvil, you can accurately drop an authentic
Acme-built anvil on your target from up to forty-seven stories. Perfect for getting back at
people who are bigger than you. WARNING: Surly Taco Armaments, L.L.C. is not responsible
for collateral damage. Do not attempt to use on trampoline enthusiasts or Gumby. Or his
horse, for that matter.
Next up, we have the dreaded Syringe Full ‘O AIDS. Other companies just sell syringes they
find in the gutters, but our syringes are full of high quality, laboratory-tested HIV-positive blood
from our mines in the AIDS capital of the world, Africa. And now, for a limited time only, when
you buy the Syringe Full ‘O AIDS you can get the Syringe Full ‘O Flu Virus for 50% off! Now
that’s what I call a bargain!
your life (besides that time your mom told you she didn’t love you)? If you said a paper cut,
you’re right and live an extremely boring life. The Hands of Agony are gloves equipped with
tiny pieces of paper at the end of every finger, so you can give your victim massive amounts of
paper cuts. Perfect for use on co-workers, clergymen and Girl Scouts.
Maybe you don’t want to get your hands dirty. That’s okay, because Surly Taco Armaments, L.
L.C. has you covered. With the Heat-Seeking Anvil, you can accurately drop an authentic
Acme-built anvil on your target from up to forty-seven stories. Perfect for getting back at
people who are bigger than you. WARNING: Surly Taco Armaments, L.L.C. is not responsible
for collateral damage. Do not attempt to use on trampoline enthusiasts or Gumby. Or his
horse, for that matter.
Next up, we have the dreaded Syringe Full ‘O AIDS. Other companies just sell syringes they
find in the gutters, but our syringes are full of high quality, laboratory-tested HIV-positive blood
from our mines in the AIDS capital of the world, Africa. And now, for a limited time only, when
you buy the Syringe Full ‘O AIDS you can get the Syringe Full ‘O Flu Virus for 50% off! Now
that’s what I call a bargain!
There you have it, folks, seven weapons of incredible power guaranteed to leave the suckas in
your life shaking in their proverbial britches! And for a limited time only, orders of $100 or more
come with a free tote bag! Don't delay, get strapped today!
Disclaimer: No international orders. That means you, North Korea. Weapons for novelty purposes only. Free standard
shipping on all orders (except Destructo Ball 12000). Surly Taco Armaments, LLC is responsible for absolutely
nothing. Don’t fake the funk.
your life shaking in their proverbial britches! And for a limited time only, orders of $100 or more
come with a free tote bag! Don't delay, get strapped today!
Disclaimer: No international orders. That means you, North Korea. Weapons for novelty purposes only. Free standard
shipping on all orders (except Destructo Ball 12000). Surly Taco Armaments, LLC is responsible for absolutely
nothing. Don’t fake the funk.
Comments? Email me at Admin@SurlyTaco.com
Back to Salsa
Not all fat people are jolly. That’s why I’ve designed the Bratwurst Nunchuks. Made of the
finest petrified bratwurst, these function exactly like regular nunchuks, only now you can enjoy
the irony of beating a fat person to death with food. As a bonus feature, the nunchuks come
with a built-in stereo that plays Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic.” Earplugs sold separately.
And speaking of irony, now you can bludgeon people to death with the Collected Works of O’
Henry. This special edition of the classic works of one of America’s most beloved writers is
attached to the end of a sturdy two-by-four and delicately sprinkled with rusty nails pried from
the houses of shut-ins in the dead of night. This holiday season, give your enemies the real
gift of the Magi: a bloody and painful death.
Finally, we have the amazing Destructo Ball 12000. It’s a ten ton ball made of granite, perfect
for flattening pesky archaeologists. Incline sold separately. Not responsible for injuries
resulting from opening the Ark of the Covenant.
finest petrified bratwurst, these function exactly like regular nunchuks, only now you can enjoy
the irony of beating a fat person to death with food. As a bonus feature, the nunchuks come
with a built-in stereo that plays Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic.” Earplugs sold separately.
And speaking of irony, now you can bludgeon people to death with the Collected Works of O’
Henry. This special edition of the classic works of one of America’s most beloved writers is
attached to the end of a sturdy two-by-four and delicately sprinkled with rusty nails pried from
the houses of shut-ins in the dead of night. This holiday season, give your enemies the real
gift of the Magi: a bloody and painful death.
Finally, we have the amazing Destructo Ball 12000. It’s a ten ton ball made of granite, perfect
for flattening pesky archaeologists. Incline sold separately. Not responsible for injuries
resulting from opening the Ark of the Covenant.